I'm screwed...and so are a lot of you!

Today, I mark my downfall.

Stupid Friendster! Stupid, stupid Friendster!
What is the purpose of that 'Who's viewed me' function? All my Friendster stalking activities have been uncovered, exposed!
I'm so bloody embarrased, and tormented.
Okay, so there's a 'view annonymously' function..but what the hell is the point of it NOW?

Fine, it took me on an ego trip (for a while, at least) when I saw who's been viewing my page, but good God....all those people I've secretly checked out!

I remember clearly one of the FAQs-if it was possible for account holders to know who's been viewing thier profile, and the answer was no. So why now?
I mean, for something as affect-worthy as this, the stupid people behind Friendster should have at least made some kind of announcement prior to this smart ass move. And since they have that 'useful' annonymous option, set it to default as 'annonymous' for everyone LAH!! If you want the whole world to know you've been stalking them, then reverse the setting.

A friend of mine- she's had a crush on this certain guy since she was 13, that's 10 years btw, just found out that this guy has been viewing her profile. Do you have any idea to torturous that is to a girl?

I can't bear to share my greatest embarassment, its too painful. In a word, I'm screwed. In 3 words-Screwed big time.

I want to sue Friendster for defamation!

Untitled Past/Post

Hmmm....there's this really hot maintenance guy walking about in the office right now.
Tell me if you know of anything sexier than a man at play with tools?
We had a short Tamil movie scene, you know, the turn-away kind. He looks, I look, he smiles, I blush...I LOOK AWAY!

Ahhh...anyway...

He called last night-Though I can hardly deem it a conversation, the short call made me substantially happy for the rest of the day. I still adore and care for him to bits, just like I used to, but I've given up on wishing on my old hopes. After everything, I'm surprisingly glad we are where we are now.
"How can you forget what he'd said to you?Don't you remember all that? Doesn't that change anything?" I've been asked.

Yes, I do-vaguely.
These memories are leaving me-why should I run after it? This is God's way of allowing me to let go and move on. Coz he knows I'm weak.
I'll cherish the good, sincere times-choir practices, Pelita, dressing up for weekend masses, 'jamming', karaoke, St Anne's, him doing a Robbie Williams and making a clown of himself.
There was this period where I was so 'in love' (i'm too lazy to think of a more suitable word, so I'll mock myself) when we girls went out on a shopping spree.

I splurged on a dainty pair of white sandals and this was the first time I ever bought myself fragrance-White Musk from The Body Shop which I used religiously in Penang. Now, whenever I use whats left of that tiny bottle, I'd be transported back to the good ol' days. Sometimes I'd take a quick whiff,just because.
It's amazing what scents can do to ignite your mind.

Admittedly, I've put him in akward and unfair situations to obtain reasons and answers for myself. Yes, it was selfish, but there's no use in fretting about it right now, coz it was a judgement made at that point of time.

I refuse to book this chapter as 'wasted emotions'. I learnt a lot- what it's like to not always get what you want, who my real friends are, what it's like not to have feelings returned, what it's like being at my lowest and not having anything to blame it on, slowing picking up the scattered pieces and most importantly- caring unconditionally for someone-especially when technically, they're nothing to you.
We all know the saying, 'It's better to have loved and lost, than to not have loved at all' .Comforting.

There was a period of time when we didn't talk. I couldn't and wouldn't. I forced myself to hate him for the things he said and did. The truth however, was far from that and hard to miss, for the negative feelings lasted for a relatively short time. And God forbid anyone who spoke a word against him!

He asked me over a recent telephone conversation, if I was forcing myself to talk to him, said he sensed that I didn't really want to talk to him.
The reality of the moment was that my mind was going, 'Wow Anucia, we really didn't know you're capable of NOT acting like a constipated nitwit towards him. You go,girl!'
What actually came out was a somewhat harsh, "Eh, if I don't wanna talk to you I could hang up k..I'm not forcing myself. Why should I? I don't owe you anything.."
Ego.

Something made me pull over in the middle of the Federal Highway, switch on my hazard lights and dig up an old CD that had one of the songs our choir sang-and how easily the tears fell when the song played.
Well, I'm looking forward to seeing him at the end of the year. It's been a while, and I sure as hell do miss his company.

Saturday,Sunday,Everyday

It's a sunny Sunday evening-and I have nothing to look forward to to make the most of my weekend.
I honestly dont think I should be jumping for joy at the prospect of church ,then choir practice.
Especially after my students annoyed the living crap out of me for a good 2 hours.
Is it so hard to complete 2 pages of your bloody homework and bring ALL your books for class??
Arrgghhh!!

That aside, I finally had the chance to cut my toenails yesterday. You see, I have this habit or slathering my feet with baby lotion every morning after shower. During this daily ritual about two weeks ago, I noticed that my toenails needed serious 'trimming' and I've been telling myself every day since to cut my toenails.
Personal time is so hard to come by for me these days that even small things like these need reminders.
I can't even find time to cut nails, what more pay summons?(I've got 2 already stashed in my glove compartment)

I'm so fed up with work- I hate what I do. I hate Mondays to Fridays. I hate deciding what to wear. I hate the route to work. I hate the other cars on the road. I hate the parking lot. I hate the pay. I hate the lunches. I hate staring into the screen. I hate my work station. I hate the hours.
Its a great acheivement if I get home before 8.
I tell myself each morning "Thank God it's Friday", just to psyche myself.

I tried to go shopping yesterday.
I withdrew an indecent amount of cash,yet after looking the whole day, I couldn't find anything to spend it on and I'm still deciding if that was a good thing or bad.

One good news though, the 2 month detoxifying plan is going great-if I can take it up to the end of Oct, I'm going to treat myself to that Alain Delon handbag I've had my eye on-and extend the program to Christmas.
I've been more productive since I've stopped clubbing, and my savings are not dwindling at the rate it used to.

No, I don't think I'm growing old-I'm getting wiser(object all you want, but the truth remains).
For starters, I'm wiser in knowing rubbish people when I see them-donkey's arses who mean absolutely nothing to me. There's a whole load more of evidence to prove my wisdom, but I shall leave the basket on the ground and be modest about it. Let someone else carry it. ;)

I'll be moving into my old place in a month. Planning for the housewarming is gonna be fun!
Now,there's something to look forward to.

Moving On

Aaarrggghh....I'm so pissed!
What did I tell you about not having an interesting tale to tell?I could write a book I tell you.

After the whole Penang fiasco, I really had nothing to do with the friend of mine (i'll give her an initial,A) and her trouble-making boyfriend, B. But because C (a member of our 'gang') came down from Penang for a visit, I didn't want to be a party pooper, so A,C,myself and another gang member D, went to Waikiki on Merdeka night to meet some old friends after a whole day out. I was just beginning to talk to A a little when B calls and says that he's coming to Waikiki with E, a friend of his.
I knew I didn't want to be there at that point.

This was the first time I'm seeing/speaking to B after Penang.
He came to our table,and the first thing he asks was, "Are you high?"
I thought he said hi, so I said hi and looked elsewhere.
He then repeated,"Are you high?"
I looked at him in disbelief and said that I wasn't.
The nerve.

I was determined not to let him ruin my night, which he then did so effortlessly.
He called C aside and started talking to her about Penang, about how badly I treated A after the whole thing, how upset she was, yada yada,yada...and something to the effect that I'm not a sensible person, and that if I had a problem with him, I should not take it out on his gf, on how I took sides (yeah, then tell me why the side I took is not talking to me?)
It went on and on..right in front of me, as if I wasn't there. He was talking so loudly he might as well say whatever he wanted to say to my face.
And A just stood there for a while, listened to his bullshit and told him to stop ONCE to which he ignored. She got mad or whatever, and stomped off. But did he care?No.
He went on. And on. And on.

I was already in a fit of rage and I raised my voice at him.
I called his name about 3 times before he finally turned.
"If you've got something to say to me, why don't you say it to my face?" I challenged him.
He just stared at me. And I piercingly stared back.
He replied,"I wasn't talking to you."
"Really? Then why did I hear you make a direct reference to me?"
"I wasn't talking to you.I was talking to C." And he added something at the end, I cant remember what-but when I asked him to repeat what he said, he conveniently left the last bit out.
We held each other's glare for a quite a while, while I was trying hard to restrain myself from slapping him.
That was exactly what he did in Penang-said something f*ckingly stupid and was too cowardly to repeat it.
"The reason he didn't say it to you was coz he had no balls, he knew you'd give it back to him", I'll hold that true.

I really don't get it- how can someone stride in, hang around for 10 minutes, and spoil EVERYTHING!

I wish I understood cowards. Like the comment on my previous blog. Seems like the person (who btw couldnt even copy the title correctly) knew quite a bit about the incident-why not post a name as well?

Part of me wants to put forth my account of what happened, in the hope that it would blow the air of hosility elsewhere.
Then there's another part of me that beckons me to leave it all behind.
What do these 3 or 4 people mean to me? Is it really worthwhile when they couldn't be bothered?

I'm upset that they took the convenient way of believing all the hear say.
I'm upset that they didn't learn from the first time.
I'm upset that they can't see through their fogged,skewed view.
I'm upset that they didn't live up to their words.
I'm upset that the buck landed on my lap, that my hands are tied-I can't pass it to the next one.
I'm upset coz I thought they knew me better.

I've decided to walk away. To put this behind and move on/up with what I have now-"Let them nurse and lick their wounds", as I was told.
I handled things the best way I knew how at that time-I could have done better, I guess. But I won't live in regrets.
They can believe what they want to-I'll live with that.
I know I'll probably read this entry one day and think how petty the whole thing is,but I want to remember this lesson clearer than crystal-people always,always only look out for themselves and are content with convenience.