The air was still and the birds that sat on the branches were silent in reverence. The sun was beating furiously and I could feel the sweat pouring down my back. But I was only concerned with the unjustness of life. “God, how could you do this?” I wanted to yell towards the heavens. As Sonya clutched my hand, I scanned the solemn crown dressed in dark, gloomy colours. Joshua was talking to the priest, thanking him for conducting the funeral rites, while our kids, Rahul and Ashwini, tugged at his sleeve, oblivious to the pain everyone was going through. I felt an unbearable ache within. I ached for Sonya, for her loss and for mine. I was her once, a confused child amidst a group of seemingly caring adults, watching them place single stalks of roses on my mother’s coffin. It was funny how they moved on while I helplessly drowned in a sea of stormy emotions.
I glanced at her distraught face, at the tears trickling don her pale cheeks. I wondered if she understood what was going on. If she knew that her parents were never coming home. If she knew that her mother was never again going to tuck her in and kiss her goodnight. If she knew that her dad would never walk her down the aisle.
Sonia stayed wih us that night. After seeing to the kids' sleeping arrangements, I went downstairs to the kitchen to find Joshua at the dining table cluttered with papers, files and thick brown envelopes. Holding a glass of whiskey in one hand, he stared blankly at a piece of paper.
"What's the matter?" I casually asked him as I grabbed a can of soda from the refridgerator.
He just kept silent.
I walked over to where he was seated and peered over his shoulder. It wasn't just a piece of paper. It was his sister's will. As I read on, it was clear that Jane wanted us to care for Sonya, to adopt her and give her a home It was a natural choice, for we were her godparents
"So, we'll adopt Snya. That's all there is to it, right?" I questioned him.
"No, that's not all there is to it. We really don't have the means, Manju. And besides, it'll be too much for Sonya to handle, what with Rahul being a terror and all. You know Ashwini prides herself in being the eldest. The last thing we need is more coflicts. We should just let Jo take her," He stood up and began clearing the table. Josephine, single and a career enthusiast, was Joshua's younger sister.
Failing to comprehend Joshua's reluctance, I looked at the patch of water on the table, a result of air condensation. In my mind I searhed fiercely for words to throw at him. I couldn't understand why he was acting like a constipated nitwit. Although there was some truth to what he had said, I refused to give up. Something in me needed Sonya.
I looked him straight in the eye and said," I know Jo loves her, but look at what we can give Sonya, a happy home. All she needs is a place to belong. She's so young, Josh." I could sense his defense faltering, so I pressed on.
"Come on, Josh. Jane's your sister. I know you loved her dearly, and i understand how torturous it is for you to accept what has just happened. How Arvin and her died in that freak accident was indeed nasty. This is the least we can do for them," I continued. I knew that playing on his guilt was a cruel thing to do, but I challenged him. "Are you really going to dey them their last wishes?"
After hours of debate, he finally relented.
Almost three months since the tragedy, the adoption was yet to be settled. The lawyers cited that the main reason for the delay was the fact that this was Sonya's scond adoption. Hence, the procedures involved were somewhat more complex. Uable to have children of their own, Jane and Arvin adopted Sonya when she was only four months old.
The first couple of weeks were difficult, especially for Sonya who missed her parents terribly. There were hours of endless weeping and days when she hardly ate and barely spoke. There I was, aching to love a child who kept pushing me away, when 12 years ago, I unhesitatingly gave up a baby in dire need of a mother's love. "How ironic. I guess all this karma talk is actually true," I thought to myself.
Gradually, Sonya settled in comfortably, assuming her role as the older sister with much importance and enthusiasm. It was funny how Ash and Rahul took to her immediately, while Joshua remained distant. Sometimes I wondered if the reason he avoided Sonya was because she was a painful reminder of his sister.
One evening, as I was folding the laundry in Rahul's room, I heard the fumbling of keys followed by the sound of someoe opening the door downstairs.
"Who could it be?" I mused. It was too early for Joshua to be back from work, and I had just dropped off the kids at the sports complex. I got off the bed and walked quietly to the banister
"Josh!" I called out. No reply.
I took the steps down loudly. When I came in view of Joshua standing by the piano, he was gazing right at me with a look of disgust and anger. His hands were rigorously loosening the striped tie he had on.
I tried to shake off my nervousness, I had a sick feeling tht whatever the problem was, I was a part of it.
"Bloody whore!" he shouted as his stare pierced me deeply.
Taken back by his sudden outburs, I felt a shiver run down my spine. In our eight years of blissful marriage, I had never seen Joshua act this way. My knees turned wobbly as I tried to suppress the tears that were threatening to pour. The day I dreaded had finally come.
"You're not fooling me anymore. I know what you are. A liar! Your whole life is a web of lies," he shouted again. " I read Sonya's adoption file, everything's in there. You knew all along, didn't you? Thats why you wanted her so badly. To think I married a prostitute!"
One evening was all it took to bring my world down to shambles.
"Sonya's mine?" I muttered under my breath. My mind began to whirl, I couldn't believe what I was hearing.
"Stop pretending! Is that all you care about, you bitch? Not the fact that our children have a slut for a mother? Not the fact that you've been lying to me for the past eight years?" I heard his voice break. He stomped up the stairs to our room and I heard the door slam shut.
Not beig able to fathom the reality that I had just been struck with, I made my way over to the miniature bar we had set up in our living area. I took a crystal glass from the overhead shelf and opened the liqour cabinet. Reaching for the bottle of whisley, I noticed the settled dust particles on the glass shelf. I dropped a couple of ice cubes into the glass and poured the alcohol more than enough. As I downed the whiskey, I started to shudder. I needed to think. How could all this be real? But yet, everything seemed to fit; the time frame, the unspoken natural that we shared, and out uncanny resemblance.
I wondered if I should try making him understand what he fails to see. After contemplating for about half an hour, I went up to our room, strengthened by my alcohol-induced courage. Opening the door, I saw Joshua smoking a cigarette by the window at the corner of the room. He looked at me then, turned away.
"Listen, Josh...I know I should have told you all these things before, and this should not have been the way for you to find out about my past," I twitched.
"Why don't you just shut up and get out of my face? I don't need to take anymore of your bullshit," he cut in.
"I said that all this happened in the past! It sounds terrible to you, doesn't it? Wel, you only have to hear about it, I had to go through it, so stop acting like a selfish jerk! Being a hooker wasn't a choice I willingly made," I was at the splitting point of anger and rage.
"You mean to say that each time you took money from those bastards, you didn't know what was happening?" His words slapped me ad I began to cry.
"Why are you doing this? I love you, Josh. Doesn't that count for anything?" I stammered. "Don't let what happened 12 years ago blow our family apart. If I could change things, I would. I really would." He just looked at me, without a trace of emotion. In the weeks that followed, we never talked aout what had transpired. In fact, we hardly said a word to each other. Joshua, however, seized every opportunity to pass snide remarks to which I bit my lip and ignored. I knew that the kids sensed something amiss; the way the avoided confrontations and behaved obediently.
It was the night of Rahul's fifth birthday party, and the guests were beginning to leave, except for some of our cose friends and Jo. Joshua had had a little too much to drink and was beginning to get red-eyed. As Jo was helping me clear the dining table, I overheard Joshua saying to Mark, his colleague, ".....well, at least your wife hadn't been sleeping around." everyone turned silent and started shifting uncomfortably in their seats. I felt like I had been struck by a bolt of lightning. I looked at him, aghast. I didn't know what he was referring to, or what the conversation had revolved around, all I heard was the last sentence, ringing over and over in my head.
Upstairs, i sat on the bed while one hand violently flipped the magazine that was lying nearbby. As I succumbed to the feelings of betrayal and hurt that milled in me, I heard the doorknob turn..
"What was all that about?" he asked, referring to my storming off the party.
"Why don't you ask yourself that? How dare you humiliate me in front of all of them?' I snapped. He just shrugged. "Look at me! If we're ever going to make this work, we have to talk."
He started unbuttoning his shirt. Throwing it to the corner, he turned to me and said,"Talk? What about? I know all there is to know about you"
"Why are you being so difficult? Just let it go, okay? Let go. I forgave you for your affair, didn't I? It hurt badly mark, incase you didn't know. But I loved you, and that kept me going. Eventually, I got over it. I had to try. Why can't you?" I looked at him pleadingly.
"Why can't I do the same?" he mocked me. "I didn't have a child with someone I didn't love. You, however, seem to have done it out of pleaure," he said with a glea in his eye. Crushed, I grabbed my pillow and walked out the room.
As I lay on the couch that night, I stared at the ceiling. The fan above me creaked as it gyrated steadily and the room was dark; the only source of light came from the streetlamps outside. I recalled the past few months, an how miserable I had been. I flashed through our arguments and fights and caught glimpses of my children. Convinced that I had to do something to get myself out of this rut, I got up and switched on the lights of the study room. I sat at the desk, opened the top drawer and took a clean sheet of white paper. There, right in front of me was a book by Dr Phil, 'Self Matters'.
"It's a sign," I told myself as I picked up the black Parker pen. My hand trembled as I began to write.
Dear Josh,
There were times when I'dbeen tempted to tell you about my dark days, the life I led and about the baby i so shamelessly brought into this world. Though I knew that I'd eventually have to tell you, I never thought youd find out the truth the way you did. It's my fault, I'll admit. But I'm disappointed that you never attemped to hear my side of the story. Nevertheless, I'm gonna tell you anyway After my mother died, I lived with my grandmother, and when she passed away, I lost the only family I had left. The prostitutes that lived next door took me under their wings and cared for me like a sister. Soon I was blinded by all the sin and found what I thought was an easy way to rid myself of grief. All this happened before I met you, and I didn't tell you for fear of you judging me, for fear of losing you. I was forced by the circumstances to fend for myself the way I knew best. Now that I've found Sonya, I felt like I've been given a second chance.
I'm tired of apologizing, Josh. All these bitings are bad for the kids. I need a break to think things over. I think we both do.
I don't know for how long, but I'm leaving and I'm taking Sonya with me. I'll visit the children whenever I can. One thing I ask of you, don't make them hate me. Let's leave them out of this.
If you ever change your heart, you know where to find me.
Manju
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"He never called," I fidgeted with the end of the blue checked tablecloth. Danny looked at me sympathetically and took my hand.
"Mom, can I have five ringgit? I want to get my portrait sketched," Sonya said as she pointed to the shabby man that was seated at a table overflowing with stationeries in multitude of colours along the pavement outside the restaurant. I opened my purse and smiled weakly as I handed her the money. I watched her walk through the door.
Carefully choosing his words, he said,"I don't want to push you, but maybe it's time to let go. After all, you've been separated for more than two years."
"I know," I sighed thoughtfully. "I'll call our lawyer tomorrow."
