Sunday Blues

I feel like crap. There's no where to go. There's nothing on tv. There's no one home. There's nothing to love. There's no one to love. There's nothing to do, nothing urgent at least.
I've just come back from church. Went alone today, coz Mai Yin's working...and came home to a pitch dark apartment. It's a horrible feeling, coming home to an empty house spared of enthusiastic banter and sounds of cheery laughter.
I think I know what exactly my problem is;I can't function without people. I love being around people, though I don't know if friends feel the same.:) I guess you could say that I'm a people person.

Everytime I sigh heavily," So boring la,appa, nothing to do", my dad would just give me this 'what now?' look and say," Why do you need things to entertain you? Entertain yourself. Read. Switch off the damned TV."

He doesn't get it that there's only so much you can read. There's only so much music you can 'goreng' on the organ. There's only so much of the WWW you can surf. After all that, what else?

On the other hand, if you're with good company, you could just sit around the house and do nothing. Chat,laugh, talk...simple things that makes me substantially happy. I guess it's human nature to want interactive entertainment.

Talking about happiness, a friend passed me this book on being happy yesterday. As I randomly read certain topics, I caught on the gist of the book.
No one else can make you happy but you.
It must seem very stupid that I need a book to tell me that.
It's not that I don't know that happiness is what positive we make out of given circumstances, it's just that the book brought into sight chests of 'rational thinking' (so to speak) that I've subconsciously shoved to the back of my mind.

Friday was especially bad. I couldn't stand being home alone, so I took the bus to church. Overwhelmed, I sat there and stared at the statue of Jesus, and I began to think of how wonderful it'd be to be able to sit next to Him up there, to physically feel His arms around me, to be able to wipe my tears on his garments, to audibly hear His voice. What I wouldn't give to have that experience...Then again, 'Happy are those who don't see,yet believe..'

Yesterday was a good day,though. I was out the whole day with a girlfriend, bitching bout life, men and all else. I came back with a whole new viewpoint on things that have been happening lately, or rather, not happening.

I've got reaffrimation that I should not let someone push me around, downplay my emotions and make me feel less human. Not let anyone disrespect me and disregard my feelings.Again, the subconscious me knows all this, yet in this quest to make him and everyone around me happy, to not let my sh*t affect everyone else's relationships, I've put my personal needs last, or not on the list at all, sometimes.
And that's not healthy.

I need to be happy, and if that means I have to screw what he or the rest of the world thinks, so be it.

It's too bad that I've feelings for someone who doesn't know how to deal with it, it's too bad that I've grown to care deeply for a person who might as well be a wall, the way he callously says things,the way he shuts off those who try to show they care. It's too bad that even after him intentionally hurting me, I still can't,or won't walk away. It's just too bad.
Sometimes I don't even know why I make up excuses for him.
Maybe he's gots lots on his mind. Maybe he's not ready. Maybe he has never dealt with something like this before.
Enough maybes. It's time he answers the questions himself.

I can't go on sleeping the days away, letting Light and Easy mess with my mind. Not eating, not doing what I'm supposed to do. After all, I'm at the losing end. He's not the one with ulcers in the mouth. He's not the one losing sleep. He's not the one at wits end. I AM. So why torture poor me?

Even knowing all this,it's easier said then done. I guess 'being happy' doesn't come easy. There're bound to be good days and bad days. However much you duck, someone will still manage to throw mud in your face...
Just when I thought I had somewhat of a 'revolution of the mind',if you may..today turned out like crap again. AArrghhh! I'm so willing the floor to open up and swallow me alive. I know I can't let this rule me. It's my life. It's the only thing I'm in control of. Grab the steering wheel...BOTH hands,now!

100 Crappings From Yours Truly..Vol.1

1. Of course the list has to start with formalities thanks to 3 years of endless form-filling. Well, to begin with, I'm Indian but I don't speak Malayalam or Tamil fluently. So sue me.

2. I guess that makes me a coconut. You know, like how non-chinese speaking chinese are called bananas. Well, Indians who aren't 'proud of their roots' are called coconuts. Ironic how everything almost always relates to food...

3. I've a thing of locking myself in a dark room and listening to Light and Easy. Oh, and did I mention, bawling my eyes out when my mind goes on the 'reflective' mode. Hey, that's how I deal with worldly sh*t.

4. The other day though, I tried something different. Went for a 'walk' with myself and my thoughts at 11 p.m, came home only at 4 in the morning coz it was so friggin cold! Maybe it was the Heineken...oh well..Light and Easy gets my vote...

5. A couple of friends have told me that I give away too much with my face. As in my facial expressions. If I'm unhappy, you could see I'm unhappy. It gets really irritating coz people often want to get under your skin on purpose . And just when you don't want to let them think that they've got to you, your bloody face gives it away..

6. I grew up living with a Pharmacist who doesn't believe in medicines. Yes, daddy dearest. "Just take cod liver oil and vitamins and go sleep. And lay off the coffee!" That's supposed to make you get better when you're sneezing storms into rolls and rolls of kitchen towels.

7. The first time I went to see a doctor for a common cold was when I was 19. And that only happened coz appa wasn't in town and STPM was around the corner. He yelled when he heard of it, and made sure amma got rid of the antibiotics. Apparently, antibiotics will be the death of us all.

8. I swear it'd be a miracle if he gets me to the hospital when I'm lying on my death bed, before stuffing me with bottles of colourful vitamins and transparent, golden capsules.

9. Enough about daddy. Lets talk about amma. Blunt, thats what she is. It doesn't really matter if she's meeting you for the first time; if she thinks you've got bad teeth, expect it to your face.

10. I remember distinctly her telling the poor lady at the counter to get some scaling done, and perhaps help from an orthodondist while she's at it. She was only supposed to come in and pay my music fees. Not launch a seminar on oral hygiene. See what dental nursing school does to you. God, I was so embarassed.

11. Amma's favourite line is " All you'll know is how to demand. Everything else, I have to do. Four buffaloes in the house, you all can't even lift a finger to help". Haven't heard it in a long time, though. Really funny, now that I think of it....

12. I'll give credit where it's due. Amma was, and still is an excellent home maker and a great cook. And i think my physique is greatly attributed to that, and the fact that I have a magnificently LOW metabolic rate. Her nasi lemak is to die for. I'd purposely take less rice and more sambal, so that when the rice finishes, i'd get to top up the rice. And when the sambal finishes, I'll have to top up the sambal coz there's still rice. It'll go on, and on, and on. I'd tell myself that I can't waste, to think of the poor starving children in wherever. Ha ha!

13. I'm the eldest of four. That means I have three siblings who basically lived to rip my sanity into unpatchable shreds.

14. Sha has a passion for slamming doors when she doesn't get her way. Car doors, room doors, bathroom doors..basically every door that hasn't been fixed with the spring that couses it to shut gently. You'd think you'd only find these doors in offices. Nope. My dad fixed this gadget to almost all the doors in our house so that Sha couldn't show her temper to the poor doors.

15. But she can be really hillarious at times, especially at Boy's expense. I remember Pat and her singing Destiny Child's 'Nasty Girls' when he strutted around the house,shirtless.Boy and Sha thrived on annoying each other, so much so that amma would say, "Why don't the both of you just fight and kill each other? Maybe then there'll be some peace in the house," whenever one of them goes, "Maaaa, look at Phillip/Sha!!!!He/ she...." . Or, she'd go, "I've looked at his/her face enough!"

16. Pat has unofficially assumed the role of Cinderella. She says that Sha and I are her ugly, mean stepsisters...

17. She knows that I need her to do something, or get me something when I sing "Patriciiiaaa" sweetly. It's actually amazing how she always abliges, even while whining and complaining of how she feels like she's being treated like a maid and all. I guess yours truly isn't mean and ugly after all...

18. Since Pat is oh-so-cute, she's a sweetheart among my guy friends (heck,I have to compete with a 13 year old!) and aunts and uncles. The joys of being the youngest. Oh, and did I mention that she's the richest among us?

19. I'll always remember the fight between Boy and me. I remember him grabbing me by my hair and slamming my head to the wall. This happened during the reign of The Rock, before I lopped off my locks. As they say, every cloud has a silver lining. He got the wooden spoon after that. He also got the belt not too long ago.

20. Poor Boy. Luckily he's grown out of the "I exist to torture the living crap outta you" phase. Must say that Friendster has enlightened me into knowing that he's become somewhat a ladies man. Well, he'd better. After living all his life with four ladies, he should have learnt something.

21. Simply put, we live our own version of the Adams Family.

22. I had my first crush when I was 10. Contrary to what my friends say, no, I'm not gatal. Wasn't my fault he was so cute. And 15. Guess my affinity towards older men started way back then :P

23. I don't do crushes anymore, must be the age. And the gong-ing of the biological clock. Ha ha! I believe in true love and true bliss. As stupid as it sounds, I'm ready for a family. Of course, I mean emotionally,mentally and spiritually. Not financially, like duh.If I'd found a bag with a substantial amount of money,if I could gag my conscience and the man I love asked me to marry him tomorrow, I would, in a jiffy. I can still do the things I wanna do PLUS make him the happiest man alive, so where's the loss? I'm NOT being perasan. He will testify, one sweet day.

24. I didn't think I was a hopeless romantic, till recently. I'm caught by surprise by the words that come out of my own mouth. Never in a million years did I think I'd say "So sweet," and feel all warm inside when I see a couple sharing a light, meaningful kiss. When I see a couple holding hands and crossing the road in the rain. When I see him looking at her and giving her his sincerest smile.

25. I'd normally scoff in distaste at roses,chocies, candlelit dinners and moonlit walks, not these days though.

26. I've heard 'Turn Me On' by Kevin Lyttle in my head when God Is Good was being in sung in church. Yes, I'll be hitting the confession box soon.

27. I love canines. They're the only kinds who'd love you unconditionally, the moment you show them some affection. Unlike humans, and their stupid lil games.

28. Fast forward into the future: Single storey house, more than one doggie running around the porch chasing my four or less kids. Mom-in-law sitting outside, in the rattan chair, smiling contently while keeping an eye on the kids. Hubby walks through the gate, and suddenly all attention is on him, even the pups run to his outstretched arms, while I watch the man I married with pride through the sliding door, making sure he doesnt see me looking at him. DAMN! I wanna get married!

29. I will love my in laws,especially mom-in-law. I want to love the lady who gave me my brightest smile as much as I love my parents.

30. I checked out a priest in church last Sunday. He had a funky looking goatee and the most charming smile. The thing is I didn't know that he was a priest till he walked in wearing the cassock while the congregation sang the entrance hymn. Wasted. Again, I'll be going for confession soon...

31. I cry. A lot. Too much. Buckets when no one's around. Calm streams around Jo and Mai Yin. I'm emotional. Though I know it's nothing to be ashamed of, I do get embarassed by it at times as I feel it's the first sign of weakness.

32. Appa thinks he's the funniest man alive. Though I'd have to admit he IS kinda witty, we normally don't laugh at his jokes, just so that he doesn't get big headed. You see, evenings are normally 'family bonding' times. We'd all sit at the dining table, him with his caya and newspapers, and everyone else with their stories of the day. Then he'd launch into a series of impersonations and self-construed jokes. Only amma laughs aloud. I guess it's an obligation that comes with the Mrs. title. He'd say things like, "See my wit. There's no tea session without my jokes and presence." Of course, we'd roll our eyes to the heavens in mock disgust.

33. I'm funny. If you've read #32, you'd see where I got it from. The same expression I give my dad, the same I receive from my friends. But deep down, I know they'd miss me terribly when the semester ends.

34. After 2 years, Mai Yin and Jo are finally picking up in their sense of humour. I believe mine has rubbed off on them. I told Mai yin, "a lil more time and you'd be up to my level of wittiness." She says she's gonna overthrow me from my throne of being the funniest amongst us all soon. I think I'd better go home soon and get dosages from appa dearest...Can't let that happen now, can I?

35. I hate cats. They're such horny creatures, the way they come and nuzzle and purr at you, like some stupid hiau po. And they're such whiny, ungrateful creatures. They disappear the moment you pity them and drop them something to eat.Actually, till this day I don't understand why dogs are bitches and not cats. A bitch is sly and mengada. Isn't that what cats are?

36. My most chaste love affair was with my pup, Jo. By far, I have to say that she was the most pampered, adorable thing. She loved Tuesday pasar malams, coz she knew that she'd get her share of Nasi Lemak Kak Yah. And she loved Wednesday evening walks, coz she got to raid the leftover garbage of the traders from the night before.

37. There was once when she got the manges, I took her to the clinic for treatment. And yes, the money came out of my own pocket. That's how much I loved her. Anyway, she refused to get on the weighing scale. I was furious coz the vet made me stand on the weighing scale first, and then again with fatty Jo craddled in my arms. Subtracting the measurements, she got Jo's weight. Silly girl, the whole clinic knew my weight becuse of her.

38. But I couldn't stay mad at her for long. Guess what she had for lunch after that? KFC! Think it was the 2 piece plate, or something like that. Talk about living the life of a princess.

39. My other love affair is with my organ. No, not collective tissues. Organ, as in the instrument. I used to hate going for classes when I lived in Mentakab. To my parent's surprise I pushed for it when I came to Klang. Partly coz my best friend was learning it too. Peer pressure, they say. I performed my first concert when I was 14. And after that in another 4. Played for church for a couple of years. Cherished memories.

40. I taught music for 2 years, throughout F6 while still taking classes under the most wonderful teacher. She never really treated me like a student, though there were times when she was stern, especially when I kept screwing up my scales in preparation for my P6 exam.

41. I had students from all walks of life. It was a trying and eye-opening experience. Look forward to doing it again, better this time. In a way it taught me how to deal with the pests at home. Your parents seem to respect you more once you start working, I've noticed.

42. All my life I've belonged to some choir or other. In Mentakab,I was in the church choir. In Klang, church choir and the school's. Now in Penang, I'm in the church choir too. There's this unexplainable euphoria in being able to scream your lungs out with a bunch of people that share the same passion.

43. The closest I've come to having a peice of the lime light (vocal wise) was doing duets. My first was for a kindy concert. Then I did A Whole New World at the retirement of my headmaster in primary school. Talk about an unappropriate song. In F2, I did a lame Backside Boys song with a few classmates at our year end concert.I'll Never Break Your Heart. Right.

45. Five Stars. That was the name of our girl-band in primary school. We wore a common coloured top with different coloured SHORT, TIGHT, MINI SKIRTS. Can't for the life of me imagine myself in a miniskirt now without looking like a suffocated Ba Chang.Under those skirts, we wore black leggings. Now that I think of it, we probably looked like whores-in-the-making. How the teachers allowed us up the stage, I don't know. I remember performing Oh, Carol..or was it Diana? and Dying Inside To Hold You by Timmy Thomas. I remember being eager to entertain a crowd. Wonder where my esteem has gone to now.

46. Penang is the third town I've lived in. I grew up amidst a forest in a British-styled house in small town Mentakab, which btw is in Pahang. Moved to Klang and hated it Std 5. I've since come to realise that it was a blessing in disguise. Now, I'm beginning to love Penang, even with its terrible drivers and filthy air, for reasons I shan't disclose.

47. I love boys. Again, I'm not gatal. It's just that they're really great to hangout with. Especially when you get accepted into their 'gang' and they treat you like one of them. I grew up mixing a lot with boys. Maybe that's why I'm not so 'perempuan' in my behaviour and manners.

48. Apparently, I'm a snob. See how people pass judgements. Just coz I have an unsmiling face and a walk that fakes confidence very well. If only they knew. Imagine walking around campus,smiling like a looney. Then they'd probably say I need qo see a quack. Smile cannot, don't smile also cannot. How do you please everyone?

49. Apparently, I think I belong to a beauty club. Here's how it came about exactly. You see, Mai Yin and I are always together in campus. And we can't help it that we have a 'condescending, muka-bantai-orang'. On top of that, we look like a walking KLCC, just that I've lost a couple of storeys on my side. Someone actually told a friend of ours that we behave as if we belong to some exclusive beauty club.HHMMPPPHHH!!! Tak pasal-pasal kena.

50. Contrary to what lotsa people think (that I supposedly can get anyone I want at the snap of my fingertips), and the fact that I belong to a make-believe hoity-toity sorority club, I've only had 2 ex-boyfriends. One lasted for 6 years. Is that proof enough that I ain't no player?

Stupid Cupid Got Lost

People say that the best experience is to be in love.
Is it really?
I mean, of course it is when boy and girl live the life of a fairytale. A prince with a heart of gold meets a submissive goddess. Sparks fly and time stops, while they drown in each other's eyes. They go on to get married and have bouncing babies with the biggest eyes and live in a land where everyone is happy for them, right down to the churchmice and the flies.

But in bloody reality, how often does something like this happen? Does it happen at all? If love is indeed such a wonderful experience, shouldn't it come with peace and without tears? Can't it just happen between two people who want to be with each other? Why must it almost always be one sided? How then do people go on to say love is the essence of life? Pain is the essence of life. Pain is the subset of every emotion, not love.

I've read somewhere that it's okay to be a fool for love. To give all you have, and to show how much you care even if it means you risk looking like a damned clown. Well, if he's gonna come around, then your dignity will be redeemed and all's well. But what happens when he treats it like a lame joke? When he belittles you and your silly feelings? When he brushes it away like an annoying mosquito?When he thinks you're not worthy to deserve a reciprocation? Or the decency of an explanation?

First impulse would obviously be to wipe the tears, pack the bags, leave and throw the keys. To find a place where you'll never feel so small again. But as you walk that dim,dead road you begin to see his smile, his laughter rings in your ears, and you get a whiff of his scent. Without thinking, you put your bags down and give your tired legs a rest. And it hits you that now's when it all stops, and thats when it comes rushing, eager to consume you. Maybe, just maybe, things would have turned out differently if you'd controlled it, stopped it before it became this hard, this strong. You begin to think that maybe he was right. You ARE the deluded idiot. What the hell was going through your head?

Then you hear this faint voice telling you that all you did was care. What kinda world doesn't allow you to genuinely care? Too much at stake, too many involved, so turn around, run back and care from a distance if that's as close as you can get...

Grabbing Life By It's Balls

I had a conversation with Mai Yin last night,after our yum char session at Pelita (well, I guess you regulars would know by now that we give Pelita good business ;)) about feeling empty, not feeling fulfilled.

Everyday, I go through the same routine; get up, attend lectures,lunch, nap, dinner, tv, assignments, www, supper, sleep.
Everyday.
No wonder I'm almost obese...;)

We used to go to SPCA during the weekends last semester, but things have been so hectic this time. The only time I do something that breaks the damn cycle these days is attending choir practice in church. Call it a cheap thrill, or whatever...but i really look forward to screming my lungs out 2 hours a week. It's fun, honest!
So I guess you'd know by know what my social life is about. Almost non-existent.
Going kai-kai at shopping malls are rare occasions, especially during semester end (in other words, when the loan money runs dry and FAMA Corp. refuses to pick up the phone).
Even clubbing has reduced considerably these days.
I guess it's normal, and nothing to whine about.
But when I think of it, so many of my friends make it a point to go out during the weekends, catch a movie, shop around, go clubbing. I mean, that's the norm, being students, right?

It's amazing how they can walk around the same shopping complex, over and over. Every place has Vincci, every place has Seed every place has Padini, every place has rip-off Levi's...

Back to not feeling fulfilled.
There're so many things I wanna do.
I wanna teach. I wanna play with kids. I wanna go help out at a refugee camp, do humanitarian work in war torn countries, adopt a kid, have a family, cook for my husband and kids, sing for a newly wed couple, adore my in laws, host Lonely Planet, become an anchor woman, write a book, perform in a concert, travel,meet old friends, be the moving force behing a grand event, fly,waitress, organise a big family get together, work with students, do a school play, take up classical dancing, latin dance,carolling, establish my very own library (that'll be nothing like the ones we have now), open a club, take care of my parents, feed my family, have many many dogs, be the happening aunt, start an old folks home, an orphanage..

I could go on. But i need to stop to start doing these things.
The thing is, there're so many things that i don't know where to begin. Which comes first? What's the chronological order? Where'd the dough come from? Will there be enough time? Will I actually be good at what I want to do? Is it impossible to do everything?

Someone told me that it'll all be very possible if I marry a rich, dying tycoon...point to ponder...hahah..just kidding..never would i contemplate being with someone for their money. My money is mine, and your's is well, yours...but I'm extremely generous, so my money would be ours ...;)

I was thinking, if I died tomorrow, I'd go a restless soul. Bless you whom I haunt.
I don't want to leave this place not grabbing life by it's balls. But I can't rip life's pants off now coz right now, i gotta do what I gotta to do. Be a bloody student. The only consolation is that it'll all be over in another semester.

All I'm asking for is eternity, to proudly tell St Peter that I lived my life to the fullest, and that God didn't waste His time carving me.

Nothing in Particular

I'm actually feeling pretty good today...which is great coz i haven't been feeling this way for a very long time..guess it was the exam stress and all the other framing issues that 'inspired' my bleak outlook on life this past couple of weeks..
oh yeah,to add to it all...i've got 2 huge lumps on my face that just refuses to disappear.It'll neither go,neither will it pop.Aarghh! My dalacin bottle is running dry too..

Just came back from Pelita..had a supposedly short yum-char session..which turned out to be almost 2 hours...I'm not complaining though..
simple pleasures of life, they say...

I cant wait for the year end! Christmas, new year, shoping and dining,holidays..sigh..too bad it's 2 months away.Hmmm...in the meantime, it IS my birthday in November, and I am STILL wondering who'd give me that True Star perfume.This chosen one shall be a very very good friend then forth..

Hey, I've got no topic today...there isn't a specific issue that I wanna blog about in particular,but i still wanted to write something..so I guess these are thoughts that'll put me to sleep tonight, petty ramblings of a drifter.

Did I mention I watched Ladder 49 today? It was so sad, the tears were pouring like a waterfall. Then again, I am a sucker for these kinda movies.
How come we don't have awesome looking firemen in this country? Oh, i know why. Coz it's a movie.Stupid question.
I also bought milo and laundry detergent for the house...housewife in the making,ahem....

I cant wait to go home to sibu, if i can call it that. I guess i could,coz a home is the people and the sentiments involved with it..not the place and the physical building itself..so even if it were in some forsaken forest..I'd still be eager to get back..

If all goes well, I'd probably be staying on in Penang after I graduate. As in like, live here. Surprisingly, my dad agreed. Believe it or not, he actually asked me to work with the CAP. I was like, hello??
I hope I'd be able to get a job here..though i know it's gonna be difficult..especially if I'm gonna screw the whole 'security' thing and do something that I wanna do, which by the way has nothing to do with this bloody chemistry degree.
Penang is supposedly a happening island,so many events here and there.But it's weird that i havent come across a single event management company.
Then there's journalism.Hmm..
And broadcasting...nice..
Teaching music?Penang's not the place for that though..I wanna complete the teaching thingy under vanessa..so, that'll only happen if Penang doesn't work out.
I should have bloody done mass comm instead. But no, silly Anucia thought that it'd be more 'prestigious' to do a science course. Prestigious, my arse.
Wasted three damn years doing this sh*t for nothin.
As you can see, i get a lil emotional when i talk about my education.which could be good, or bad.

Whatever Anucia...just GO AND SLEEP now, will ya!!

Funny Me!!

Chemistry paper today was much better. To think this was the paper I was least prepared for...sigh...
Anyways,I've noticed (so has everyone here) that I become a lil crazy on the nights before my papers. Suddenly everything seems so freaking funny, and I'm endlessly cracking jokes. I know my housemates think they're really funny too..they just try to 'control macho' so as not to let me get 'perasan'..hahha...For real!
They would roll their eyes to the skies when I say things like "God, I'm so funny" and "What would you guys do without me?"
I can see Jo's face now.....Seriously though...I love my sense of humour...If i could split myself into two persons, I'd enjoy my own company...;)
No, it's not sad!
Too bad I'm not like that in front of everyone...especially if I'm around someone I fancy. Then I'd get uptight and avoid saying anything unless necessary. I know it's stupid, but what if I say something so 'duh'..where am I gonna put my face then?How is this supposed person to know what great company I am (actually, I AM quite perasan,come to think of it) when i act like a rigid mute in front of him?;)
The other day Elaine told Taren to got herself checked for some kinda bacteria..since she was always having some sorta stomach discomfort. Elaine said the bacteria must be 'tengah membiak dengan aktifnya' in her..and I said," Yeah, they're probably having an orgy in there!"
Ok, Ok..i know it's sick...but everyone laughed....
so there!;)

A Letter to God

Wonderful isn't it,the way music can play with your heart, your emotions, and leave you with an undescribeable feeling; a mixture of sadness, joy, pain and happiness..
Right now,I'm listening to an awesome song by Kenny Chesney called Me and You...Before this was Lionel Ritchie's Stuck on You...Oh that just ended, now it's Brad Paisley's We Danced.
Somehow, since of late I'm finding solance in non-mainstream songs and I can't seem to appreciate the lyrics and music aired on Hitz and Mix (there goes my clubbing days)..Maybe age is catching up, greater wisdom settling in, and I'm beginning to relate to my father's music. Yes, I'm playing Elvis and The Beatles too...
I was just telling Mai Yin yesterday, that unlike art or peotry, EVERYONE loves music, Whatever type aside. Isn't that beautiful? That everyone has at least one thing in common...

Anyway, I just spoke to my mum, cried to her actually.
After yesterday, I thought things were beginning to look a lil brighter.I saw a lovely smile. Wishful thinking.
I really screwed up my maths paper today. My first paper. And I've been crying since I put down my pen at 5.15 pm...I dont know how it happened.
I studied the most for this paper, had everything in my head. Or so I thought.
As i read the questions everything went into a blur, all the stat formulaes got jumbled up, and I didn't get what the question wanted.
It was weird actually, holding up for 3 hours,telling myself not to panic and then breaking down the second the invigilator said that time was up.
I wanted to just run out of the hall after everything was over, but some clown didn't tie up their extra answer booklet, so we had to stay on because the number of students and answer booklets didn't tally.
I knew this girl sitting at the back of me..she did me a couple of favours but i couldn't turn to face her for a conversation coz i was holding a dipper of tears that were threatening to fall..hope she didnt think i was an ungrateful idiot.
While they continued to count the booklets, i ran to the ladies, not able to contain myself. I locked myself in a cubicle and sobbed uncontrollably. Thank goodness when everyone left when i came back to the hall.
The walk back was an ardous one, what with my conscience taunting at the reality of it all.I wanted to sleep it off, yet all i could see in my head were the solutions to the very questions that have left me feeling this way.See, I knew how to do it!
Through the tears I wrote God a letter.

Dear God,
I've never felt so stupid in my life. I guess this is really hitting me because I knew the answers! What went wrong, God? I brought the Rosary to the exam hall, I said my prayers before the paper. I've been saying my prayers daily. Said the rosary yesterday.
Where were you?Where was the grace you were supposed to bless me with?The wisdom and the knowledge?
And Mary, how could you desert me when I needed you?Have I been asking for too much this past few months that you decided to put a stop to the requests?
What was too much?
Asking you to keep my family and friends safe from harm?
Needing you to keep him and the people that matter to him in your arms?
Wanting peace with myself?
Asking you to make me a better person?
Asking you to help me overcome my pride?
Have i been THAT bad, dear god?
That you choose to have such a thing happen to me at such a time? I guess if it didn't matter, I wouldn't be so harsh on myself.
But I'm a student, and isn't this what a student is supposed to do?Study? And bring home the grades? I
was this close to not having to pay my loan. Of not burdening my parents. Did you really see the necessity in giving me a mental block?
I can't even do what I'm supposed to do, how am I supposed to do what I want to do when prioroties obviously come first?
Why God, why?

Your Discouraged Daughter


He replied...

My Precious Child,
I don't know how to convince you that I was there. But I was there.
You may not see it now, but I trust you have the wisdom to know that after all the tears have been cried, you'd see the reason behind it all.
All good comes from me, and good comes to the good. You've been good my child, wipe your tears. You'll see the good on a sunny day, when all that clouds you now drifts away.
Remember you mother telling you just now, that it's just a paper?
Well girl, that was me. It is JUST a paper. People flunk it all the time, and there's always the option of repeating it,do don't be too hard on yourself. Worst things could have happened.
No, I havent disconnected the cables. Your prayers are always close to my heart.
Remember his mom got better?
Remember that the accident was minor?
Remember all those countless flights your parents and siblings took between here and Sarawak, my arms were always around their shoulders?
Remember that when you needed to talk, and you couldn't hear me, I was there through the people in your life?
Remember her dad got better?
Remember that every friend and every member of your family are substantially happy with their lives,however far away they are?
Remember that things are brighter for him?
See child, these are the things that matter. Things could have been worse.
But I know that you love me, and that you really do try your best to be more like me each day. I hear your gratitude when your paryers are answered.
And it's because of that I've tried to attend to your needs in ways I think best.
I just need you to not question me, to not let petty things get to you, to be kinder to yourself, to not derail your life from this track of immense faith you have in me.
Yes, you're a student. Yes, you're supposed to bring back the grades. But remember that under it all, you're only human. It's an overrated excuse, but I'm letting you use it this time.I
love you,girl and it pains me to see you sad.
But i promise you, that even now, as you're listening to this 'Heart of Worship' song and writing this letter, I'm behind you, my hands are gently rubbling your shoulders.
Tomorrow will be a better day, I promise. I appreciate that though there are so many bad and ugly things that are happening in this world today, you've proven my presence in many ways.I'll see you in your sleep. Smile...

Your Father,lovingly...

Paula Malai Ali?You Gotta Be Kidding!

Apparently, Paula Malai Ali is gonna represent Malaysian women in Oprah.
Of all people.Sure, she's beautiful and all that but is she really an average Malaysian woman? Don't know much on the details of the interview, but to quote The Star, Paula is supposed to 'touch on how much an average Malaysian woman earns and her BEAUTY REGIME!'
Her answer?"I only know how much I earn,my sister and my friends earn".
Being married into a royal family, her social circles obviously revolves around the elites. And the income of this hoity-toity people?Doesn't take a genious to know that that's NOT what an average Malaysian woman earns...Hhmmpphh...
So,how much can she actually speak for us? How many of us are as lucky as her to be endowed with physical beauty and stacks modelling offers?
Heck, she isn't even a Malaysian! I guess it wouldn't be as bad if she lived here most of her life, but she didn't!
I don't know who's responsible of picking this so-called reps but, come on!
I'll give you a Malaysian woman with character, charisma and substance(a good looking one at that)..Asha Gill.
A woman of grit. A woman of class. And yet, an apt representative of the average Malaysian woman.Someone who's not embarassed to clothe-shop at the pasar malam, get into dirt and muck, witty and without an ounce of pretence, besides being very much opinionated.
What better choice?
It irks me to think of snotty Paula talking about being the average Malaysian...what does she know,anyway?
She damned well did show her 'shallow-ness' in yesterday's paper...

GORGEOUS!!!

Let Me Talk

If you'd let me talk,
I'd tell you how it all began,
How I fell,
When I fell,
Why I fell.

You'd only know
If you'd let me talk.

If you'd let me talk,
I'd tell you a story,
A tale of naive hopes,
That'll make you smile.
Of would be's and could be's,
That'll make you see.

Let me talk,
Let you listen.

If you'd let me talk,
I'd surely tell you,
How you make me laugh,
How you make me mad,
How you make me smile,
How you make me cry.

Oh, I could go on,
But only if you'd let me talk.

You fascinate me.
Let me talk.

If you'd let me talk,
I'd capture each memory,
I'll walk you through the good times,
I'll tell you of the bad times.
If you'd let me talk,
You'd know it disturbs me to see you low,
You'd know on me it's a hundredfold.

Be still now,
Let me talk.

If you'd let me talk,
I'd hold your hand,
Shed light on what you don't understand,
Blow clarity to what you can't comprehend.
I'd remove those blinds,
And bring you only rainbows and sunshine.

I just want to talk,
Don't turn away.

Please don't judge,
Just let me talk.

If you'd let me talk,
You'd see me unarmoured,
You'd see me unguarded,
I'll tell you all you want to know,
All that you pretend you don't want to know.

So, won't you let me talk now?

The Ugly Duckling Does Not Lie!

"If you could change something about your face,what would it be?" Elaine asked me yesterday. I tried to be a lil positive and think of only ONE, but I couldn't.
"Haiyo, I wanna change the whole thing la," I retorted.
Everyone says I put myself down too much.
No, I don't fish for compliments, coz i can't handle compliments. If I cant deal with compliments, why would I be indirectly asking for them, right?
Back to Elaine's question.I was just being honest. And now I'm gonna analyse my answer. Walk with me.
1. Eyes:
-dark circles ( i never thought i had them, till this stupid saleslady tried to sell me concealer to rectify the problem, when i clearly asked her for a BRONZER)
-bloody bushy eyebrows that are joint in the centre (they say there're 7 ppl in this world that look like you.Well, if Bert from Sesame St was a person...that's one!)
-one eye has double eyelids,while the other has TRIPLE!

2.Nose-flares up when I smile. You could park a car in my nostril!

3.Lips-chapped and perpetually dry

4.Forehead-non-existent

5.Ears-prominent,coz of my short hair...i guess that can be changed la,by growing the hair.
6.Skin-Pimple plantation.Need I say more?

See, I told you I wasn't exaggerating.
While I'm on the subject, I came across this website, Shaadi.com the other day. It's a place where singles (or their kay-poh relatives) put up profiles and pictures, in the hope of finding prospective partners. You could narrow your search by choosing exactly which community you wanted this ideal person to belong to (doesn't take a genious to know that this is work of caste-aware Indians), besides the usual race and age refined search.I could see why some of them needed the service of this site, but there were lotsa good looking men that didnt belong there. And the women, HOT!

Anyway, just to have a rough idea on my current saham value, I was toying with the idea of putting up a profile of my own, see who comes my way. Hopefully it wont be the mama type who startles you with the blaring honk from his lorry,or the barber shop annai's who have a thing for emulating rat noises...yes,yes...speaking from experience!
It's not that I'm gonna layan these potential-cyber-grooms..just for fun la. See what too much of chemistry is doing to me!
Then again, imagine if friends come across my profile while browsing, not knowing my real intentions, that I'm just playing a silly game! Wwwwaaaaaa laaaauuuu...so embarassing!!
So I threw the thought out of the window...but you can't blame an ugly duckling for comtemplating such ideas now,can you?

Singledom: A whole new world..

After six years, I'm single again.
Singleship. Singlity. Singledom. Whatever. I'd never thought I'd enter that domain.
Heck, everything was off a happily-ever-after-movie script. Or so I thought.
I had it all planned.
The beautiful wedding.. picked all my bridesmaidS ,notice the plural ( there were supposed to be 5 ), got their outfits tailored in my head (dark brown silk in 5 different designs for each girl), the theme colour (dark brown and beige), the church (OLL, Klang).
Basically, the details were already formed.
The four kids.
The cosy, quaint old-fashioned home, the labrador.
The role I was to assume as a devoted mother, perfect wife (or near-perfect,if you may), wonderful daughter-in-law (I'm out to set the record straight that mom-in-laws are NOT evil).
The evening family bondings over caya (that's Malayalam for tea) and Hup Seng crackers.
Going to church on weekends...
Playing chauffer to my angels...to ballet,barathanatyam,organ,tennis,swimming classes.
A lil far-fetched for a yet 22 year old,perhaps? Maybe....oh,well!
But it came crashing down. Actually, in all honesty, I drove the bulldozer into that castle of dreams...
Why did I throw it all away? I have my reasons that I won't delve into at the moment.
Suffice to say, things weren't working for me. I know you're supposed to work at it. I mean, didn't 6 years mean anything? Call me a slut, bitch, slitch,whatever..(yes,I got that thrown in my face), but it reached a point where I didnt wanna try anymore, it was too emotionally draining... and it was time to leave.
And leave I did.
While he's taking it like Devdas, I haven't thought of turning back. And that got me thinking, maybe I am what they say I am. Callous. Cold hearted. Whatever happened to sensitive me?Then there were those who said that I might as well if I wasn't happy. That it'll be unfair to him if I lingered when the flame's abviously out..
With that chapter closed, I entered this new territory with much uncertainty. Not knowing what to expect, who to call those lonely nights, who to share my thrills with, it was hard.It still is.
That could explain the increased frquency in my blogging sessions.
When people ask me if I am looking, I'd joke and say, hell yeah, why not?
But the truth is, I'm not 'looking'. I know who I am and what I want.
Despite of what people may say or think, I ain't no desperado, I ain't looking for a relationship just because all my good friends have somewhat already paired off, and I ain't looking for a rebound victim.
For one, I definitely don't plunge into things without thoroughly thinking it through. I can say that much with conviction. Close friends will also attest to that. And I'm grateful to God for giving me that gift.
So, if someone comes around next year, next month, or tomorrow for that matter and something happens, well, it happens...
There'll be no block,as long as the mind is clear and the intentions sincere I'll pursue it...whether this new person would want to or not is another thing..hahaha!
Of course there'll be those who judge and sneer. There'll be accusations and doubts.
The only thing I can do is find the strength in me to do what I need to do and forget about what the rest of the world may think...
Until then, I'm still the lead in my happily-ever-after movie, only the supporting actors have changed..

k=Aexp (-E/RT)...utter crock!

I dont know if i should be thankful or not that today passed so DAMNED slowly.
Not that I've done much, anyway.Finals start next week, and I'm cramming my pea-sized brain with a whole semester's work in a week...there you go, Eleventh Hour Queen!
Whatever passion I had in F6 for Kinetik Tindak Balas and Termokimia has been hereby killed. God, I might as well pick up Cave Language..
I'm waiting for someone to prove the Arhennius equation wrong,or the Debye-Huckel's ...boy, am I gonna sue all my chemistry lecturers to trauma! Anyone?
Imagine finding out that the basic pinciples of Chemistry is indeed a hoax..hah! Then I'd officially claim my three years at this forsaken university a total waste of time...

Extraordinary,yes..

Extraordinary, yes,
How you succumbed to feelings that belonged to teenagers.
Extraordinary, yes,
How the very thought of him blinds you to faults of today.
Extraordinary, yes,
How time flies like a graceful butterfly,
taking with it memories as colourful as her wings.

Extraordinary,yes,
How singers speak for you, how poets speak to you.
Extraordinary,yes,
How you oblige to things you never thought you would,
Extraordinary, yes,
How his smile makes it all seem worthwhile
The radiance triumphs over rays of gold sunshine.

Extraordinary, yes,
He's brought you closer to Him,
Extraordinary,yes,
You look for the silver lining on a grey day,
Extraordinary, yes,
When you're on the high,
All's good,everything happens for a reason.

Extraordinary, yes,
Is this feeling that won't go,
Extraordinary,yes,
This unattainable that remains an addiction,
Extraordinary, yes,
The face that brings you through the nights
The one word that spells his name.

Stuck on you..

I've always had a problem with PDA ( for the non-enlightened ones, it's short for public display of affection), especially when I know the person engaging in it. It somehow makes me uncomfortable being around them. I feel like a 'tiang' so to speak, an unwanted object of obstruction that's getting in the way some hot lurrvving.
Call me conventional,old-fashioned.. I don't mind..Holding hands is okay, I guess. So is the occasional peck on the cheek or forehead. More than that, I'd say "get a room,people!".
Maybe I'm being selfish; not wanting to feel akward. But aren't they selfish as well, to disregard the comfort of others around and sometimes got to the point of being rude? More so if the people they're with happen to be single and looking?
What are you supposed to feel when a bunch of you agree to go out as a group and within this group, 2 lovebirds isolate themselves by walking far behind, or do the MIA thingy?
I mean, if you wanted to go on a date alone then bloody hell tell us, dont make us feel embarassed and uneasy. It's just not right.
But it's not so bad when you're out with couples, coz you sorta know that they've got their partners eyes to gaze into while you're at it...given that they're mellow.
Not the kinds who lean against the banisters in shopping complexes, engulfed in each others arms and threatening the lives of those walking about downstairs...
How do you hold a conversation with someone who's playing footsie under the table? Or playing with their partner's hair? Or meraba-ing their thighs?
These mobile parts of our anatomy do not have a mind of their own. They're all connected to the main CPU, our brain.
So when I'm talking to someone who is busy groping, I know that I dont have him 100%. That the other part of him has wandered off somewhere. Where? I don't wanna go there.
So, whats the point?
I pointed this out to a friend and he said I was just jealous. That I wanted someone to hold and kiss and whatever..So NOT true!
Of course I get lonely,everyone does. But that's not the point. You DO NOT make the people that matter feel akward.
I don't know how men think, or maybe I'm just too sensitive to others' feelings (here we go again), but ask my ex and he'll tell you that i've made it crystal clear that between my friends and him, my friends come first. That could've been one of the reasons why he's my ex. Oh, well....
But he eventually came to terms with that and respected my wishes, though I knew he was disturbed by it at times.It's not that I'm embarassed to show the world my love for him. If he's matured enough, he'll know what he means to me without needing to tongue-wrestle in public. Isn't it supposed to be just between us?
Hearing laments of "I want a boyfriend" and "So nice,you got boyfriend" has reinforced this, coz i know that when people get all mushy and lovey-dovey in front of the lamenters, it'll send them a pang of 'if onlys'.
The reason I've always stressed this is that right till the end, your friends will (almost) always be your friends, but partners? More often that not, no.
Ultimately, it boils down to having respect and regard for the people around you. If we're gonna behave like lustful animals in public, I guess it doesn't take much to understand the term 'uncivilised'..

Wrong to have a heart?

Someone recently told me that i was sensitive. I couldn't say anything to my defense coz I didnt know at that point if I was or not.Well, the fact that I'm making a blog out of what he said could probably hint that I am indeed sensitive. I said COULD.
Then again, what constitues being sensitive?If I laugh at every lame joke,does that make me sensitive? Does crying while watching Finding Nemo make me sensitive? What about getting pissed at people who are obviously in the wrong? Or letting my mind wander incessantly on dark, lonely nights? Or taking things seriously?
If I'm allowed to deduce from my observations, being sensitive means feeling the emotions. To the extreme. Letting your heart, not your mind do the rationalizing.
That said, I know I'm guilty as charged. But isn't being sensitive a good thing? I know with conviction that I'm not overtly sensitive to the point that I let everyone else's opinions and judgements bring me down. I still have my strong stands and opinions. I still know that Jim Carrey cracks the stupidest jokes. That Nemo was NOT JUST a fish. That some people deserve to be put in place.
Where am i going?
Anyway, what I'm saying is being 'sensitive' doesn't necessarily mean a bad thing. In fact, all the great people in the world were sensitive. If they weren't, they wouldn't be doing what they do. Ok, put the fame factor aside.
If you're sensitive bout others' feelings, it'll rub off on your own, naturally.
So if I go to great lengths to do a favour for someone, is it wrong for me to expect at least a fraction of the favour returned in times of need?
If I try to avoid uncomfortable situations by changing the subject or making a dumb joke to distract, is it wrong to feel hurt when that someone whose face I saved puts me down himself?
If I'm the one who's always giving, is it unjustified to feel that i'm being taken for granted?
If I'm honest, is it unreasonable to expect the other to have the decency of a reciprocation?
Being me, that's how I feel. Call me sensitive. Whatever...
But I don't show it. Somehow, there'll always be a smile. Only I know the real thing. And a few other close friends. Mai Yin said that even with that smile, that 'real thing' shows in my eyes. And I get angry sometimes, at the fact that what I show with my eyes are out of my control. That the damned eyes are in fact the windows of the soul. That I'm actually quite transparent.
The thing is, I've always appeared as the one who's got it together. Lotsa people think that nothing shakes me, nothing ruffles my feathers, that I just dont give a flying kite. I'm a hardy. I'm Thelma, I'm always armed with logic and good advice, that I'll always provide a listening ear. To a certain extent, it's all still true.
But I'm sick of being the strong one. I need a ear too.
Seriously though, if God were to appear in front of me and ask me to tell Him all thats weighing me down, guaranteeing a solution that's on my side, I have my doubts that I would.
For one, by baring my soul, I'd feel so naked. I'd be letting the weak me show. I dont want pity, I dont want someone to hold me when I cry. I'm NOT gonna appear a wimp. That's what my head keeps telling me. The truth is, a hug wouldn't hurt.
Then again, how's the hug gonna come when I dont let go of my pride and let the real feelings show?I guess being sensitive is okay, and so is being proud. But when there's a raging war between the two in you, that's when shit starts.....

Talk about a shitty day!

Eventful night,indeed.
Whatever we planned for thursday night didnt work out coz...we planned. I guess the secret is to go with the flow...Jo was right. The more you plan, the more things wont work out. The more it'll turn against you. From no mood, to no money (for liqour ;)) to no car..everything just went wrong.

So we set ourselves to do what we're called to do. Yes,the big S word. STUDY. After a couple of minutes, that didnt work either. Well, I guess that was my fault coz i opened my crisp, new issue of Cleo and fell in love with a certain model's eyes, and decided to play Bobbi Brown on Elaine and Mai Yin. But heck, i did a pretty good job coz it was almost print material...:) Now I know what to venture into when all else fails..
After playing make-up and going crazy with Sony Cybershots, we went for a drink at Kayu. Just when you think that things cant possibly go more wrong, your purse gets snatched. But then again, it's not like it wasnt partly my stupid fault either. To think that i'm the one who is always nagging everyone to hold on to their belongings...Sigh..
A friend gave chase but that dumbass got away (coz there was another dumbass waiting on a bike nearby for him)..with guess how much? Bout rm15 or so...HA HA! Served that bloody prick right..I'm sure he must have felt like an idiot after opening it.
If only i wasnt caught off guard like that, i would have run after that moron, caught him and whacked the living daylights outta him. Dont underestimate my potential...I could have! No one else in that freakin restaurant bothered to get their butts off the chairs and eyes off the damn football game. See, I always knew football was evil...
Then again, i didnt shout nor scream..so it would have been too late anyway...
I dont know which was worse, the incident itself or the ordeal of reporting the incident. After reporting at the Sg Nibong station, we were told to go to the Jln Patani station to see a sargeant-turned-clerk. Its amazing how this stupid small island has so many bloody police stations. And anyway, dont they believe in intranet or something(where all the stations can access a common database?)
Whatever happened to that waste-of-taxpayers-money MSN supercorridor crap?
At the second station, he basically typed out another similar report with answers to additional 'relevant' questions like my dad's name, where i was brought up and other such rubbish..i had to GO there to answer the questions. Dont these people believe in fax machines?
Bear in mind it was four something in the morning, raining, friggin cold and i needed to go to the damned toilet badly!
Patutlah our country damn maju....talk bout living up to the 'first world facilities, third world mentality' adage..
Now I've gotta look into getting a new ic and drivers license...just got the atm card thingy sorted out.
I dread the thought of going to the registration dept...that'll be a whole new blog session!

That twit should have known better than to mess with me....hhhaaaaiiii yyaaaaa!!!wwooosshhh!!But i guess yesterday was his lucky day..like they say,every dog has its day!!