Death

Death never fails to intrigue me.
No, i'm not scared of it, not of mine at least. I'm not the least bothered of how I'd go, or even when. I just wonder what it'd be like to be up there..looking down and watching people go about their lives and not being a part of it. Wonder if i'll ever be remembered.And if i am, for what reasons?my strengths?my faults?my occasional bitchiness?my heartlessness?
Will i be missed?
Often, I lay at night envisioning my funeral, the atmosphere and conditions surrounding the event (if you can call it that). I know I want to be buried in a white coffin,in a white silk,with white roses.imaginative huh?I guess the reason everything's white is to make up for the mean,insincere,impure and unholy things that i have said/done and not said/done.
That aside,I wonder who'd actually come and see me for the last time,who'd shed a tear? Besides the people who'd have to be there (think family members) who else would,not out of obligation?How many lives have I touched? Am i significant enough to deserve their prayers and blessings?
I guess it boils down to me needing some sorta validation. Maybe that explains why when things dont seem quite right, I tend to read through my friendster testimonials. As silly as it may sound, it does draw a smile. It does make whatever the problem much less of a problem.
Right till this day, I really dont know why I've been put here on earth. I dont know my role, and I dont have the script. Then again, how many of us do? How many of us know what we're called to do,be it in work,relationships, or anything else for that matter? If I dont know, then how am I gonna work at it? To take one day at a time is an overrated advice, how long are we supposed to just go through the motions?

Wonder where these pretty feet will take me...

Thursday's plan!

For the first time this semester i stayed up till six something in the morning..but you could hardly call it an acheivement.After studying, (actually, real mugging only went on bout an hour..the rest was b*tching, throwing hypothetical questions at each other and talking crap, and going online..) we went for an early breakfast at pelita and came up with a plan....This Thursday,we're(i keep saying we..my housemates and i) going drinking. To wallow in sorrow, to let it all out...Ask me where? First, we're gonna go to Chill Out at Gurney.No,no..first we're gonna have some wine at home,then it's gonna be Chill Out..drink somemore (all this planned thinking that Thursday is Ladies Night..it better be!) then we're going to the BEACH! I'm just hoping no one decides to take on John the Baptist..I've got a confession to make, I've never drank in public places,as in like beaches or bus stops..so i really dont know what to anticipate.I know that i'm gonna get smashed. But I've never thrown up and dont intend too..this is gonna be CLEAN fun, so cleaning up puke doesnt fit in anywhere...What i'm looking at is the energy profile of a thermodynamic reaction where the desired point is that of the intermediate..but then again, thats where it is most unstable..haiyo,what am i getting at?what i mean i guess, is just getting at that splitting point between letting go and gone..Then there's the safety issue..four girls on the beach at wee house of the morning till sunrise is a bit of a risk..but given our built,no one in their right mind would wanna mess with us.My housemate told me to make sure my phone has zero credit on Thursday, just in case i decide to do something stupid and make THE call. Point to note.I keep telling myself it's gonna be some kinda release, but frankly i'm wondering if it's just us or are there people out there who drink wanting to get high, do they plan to drink on a certain day?isn't it supposed to be natural? right place,right time,right booze,right company...At 22 and with the world NOT at your feet, even a lame plan like this sounds exciting...at least there's something to look forward too. Under normal circumstances,and if it involved other people..i would have mocked scornfully..sigh...

slipping away..

Gone are the days (or the movies) when you could just tell someone that you 'kinda' liked him and he says 'hey,me too!' and zippididoodah! they're gazing affectionately at each other within minutes.
I think people back then were less complex, less demanding and less expectant. How things changed, I wsh I knew.
How do you 'be ready' for a relationship?How do you know when you've moved on? Till he/she is no more on your mind?till you stop reminiscing?that ridiculous...
Is it gonna come as registered mail that you're ready for a relationship? Will the angel of God appear to you like it did to Mary? Can you just get up and decide that "Today,I'm gonna like X"? Can you? Whatever happened to "Listen to your gut feeling and screw the world?"
How do you prepare yourself for a new relationship? Do you try to change all your bad points that caused misery in the previous one? Why do that when someone wants you they way you are? When someone wants to make your negatives her reason to smile? How do you turn away?How do you walk away from something you’ve not tried? It seems that sincerity is an idea of the past...
Normally I'd say,"His/her loss!"...not these days though...
Bemused, I often laugh at how some people can be immaculately stupid sometimes. Yesterday, I had to fight the tears...

What bigger picture?The glass is still not full!!

People always tell you to look at the bigger picture. What bigger picture? I'm too clouded to even see, let alone envision this godly master plan. To think of the glass as half full and not otherwise? That everything happens for a reason? Is this 'reason' always a good one? I'm sick of people being optimistic when things are clearly awry. Who's in denial now? The ones that have got it all together or the one sobbing buckets on the bed in the dark?
Things will get better? Right. The point is across that life has a sick way of screwing everything up all at one time, so what are the grounds of that statement? To shut you up coz they cant stand you whining about if only's, about how pathetic your life is and how unfair He is? Or is that their way of comforting themselves in dealing with their own suppressed sh*t? Frankly, I think it's both, but more points definitely go to the former.
There's only so much a friend can do when you're down on your knees, weakened by emotions and crippled by self pity. She can provide you with a listening ear, a treasure chest full of advice and sexist remarks (think 'men are idiots') to comfort you during those bouts of depression. But there is a line. After she's said and done all she can, you're on your own. She's got her own life and mess to sort out. The problem is yours to deal with. I don't mean to insult and undermine the sincerity of my friends ( I know they care) but I've come to terms with the idea of being alone. Heck, being single at forty doesn't sound that bad….

Random rants

It was by chance they met,
By chance something blossomed,
The pieces fit, but she couldn't read,
let it be,she told her head
Savour each meet, her heart replied
He didn't see her the way he saw the other,
Queen of pretense,she held it together
Let sincerity light this one way street
Took the backseat,drove to a dead end

So I'll wait,she said
A man wont know a good thing
It can hit him right between his eyes
So I'll pray,she cried
When he opens his eyes, I'll still be there
So I'll leave for now,I'll bow
But know that underneath it all,
I'll come when you call

With thoughts that were guided
She decided
I'm gonna lay down my cards
Put down my swords,
I'm too tired to hide,
Too tired to feel
Superman said he already knew,
Saw it in her eyes,
Crushed her when he smilingly said
'let's just be friends'

Now it's out,
the ball is in your court,
while you decide,I'll sit on the sidelines,
As long as you throw I'll keep running to catch,
Within that fence of a wounded heart

5 things...

I dont know y i cant seem to put this up in friendster...so i'm putting it here..
it's been so long anyway...

5 THINGS YOU ARE WEARING:

1. nose stud
2.toe ring
3.ring
4.boxers
5.t shirt
p/s:in no particular order of importance...

5 THINGS YOU CAN SEE

1.the screen
2.my lip print on this mug of milo
3.how life is not a box a chocolates..it's a bag of dung..can i shoot Gump?
4.the time...it's nine and there're tons to do
5.picture of taren and jay...

5 THINGS YOU WANT

5??even getting one is so hard..how do i state five?
but i'll put it this way...
i wanna know what god has planned for me.show me the road i'm supposed to be taking..or at least show me the damned map.coz i've got no clue...

5 THINGS YOU ARE DOING RIGHT NOW

1.thinking of how much more messed up can things get..
2.wondering how i've come to love this stupid island..
3.looking at my reflection on the screen and thinking,'great, another bad hair day!'
4.typing this
5.thinking of the night i went karaoke-ing...

basically..thinking...

5 REALLY STUPID THINGS YOU HAVE DONE

1.being honest
2.showed and said that i care..ironic,huh?it isn't supposed to be stupid...
3.letting myself get into shit so deep
4.believing in chances...
5.being honest

5 THINGS YOU ATE/DRANK IN THE LAST 24
HOURS

1.bread
2.milo
3.pizza+garlic bread+soup+spaghetti=a piglets diet
4.crackers
5.milo

MINUM MILO ANDA JADI SIHAT DAN KUAT!!

5 THINGS YOU DID SO FAR TODAY

1.went for my 1-1 interview with my lecturer for Spoken English...
2.spoke to her about friends and friendships
3.scared her with my views
4.went for maths tutorial
5.completed my lab report

out of all this,none was by choice..we're like machine's...do what you have to do..not what you wanna do..

5 THINGS YOU CAN HEAR RIGHT NOW

1.the raindrops hitting lightly on the window panes...
2.The cars outside driving through puddles of water..
3.The occasional grunts from the fan
4.Someone honking at a distance
5.Thnka You For Loving Me...

5 THOUGHTS IN YOUR HEAD

1.exams...
2.be everyone's friend,but realise that ultimately you're on your own..
3.how the past 3 months was an experince indeed...
4.will i ever get to hear god's answers to my questions
5.how loyalty can make you refuse a good thing...

5 PEOPLE YOU WOULD LOVE TO SEE

1.GOD
2.my family
3.does my puppy count?
4.harpreet
5.MARY

5 FAVORITE QUOTES

1.trust only yourself.we're all on our own.no one's got your back.life's a sick,twisted game
2.it's amazing how people can be so immaculately stupid..
3.you think you know someone....
4.haiyo..y la..y?(applicable in all moods with adjustment of intonation)
5.i'm alright...