naturally...

Exams are tomorrow... tomorrow..tomorrow
n im going insane... each time it draws near I turn into an emotional overreacting psychotic zombie... I've decided to give mai yin a break,I don't think she can handle me breakdown in front of her.i don't think I could if someone else would to in front of me... what the hell do I say?

the whole world is against me!y do others always seem to get everything they want n don't have things goin so hard for them?
i feel like im constantly being punished...as if I was Hitler in my past life...
I miss my family,wish I could call my dad n just cry to him "y cant you be rich?y does money matter so much?y cant passion matter just as much?"
im sorry I didn't live up to my part of the deal when he agreed to pay half the price of the keyboard..i was supposed to study...I guess he agreed coz he felt bad that he couldn't afford to let me do what I want...n I feel bad that he feels bad...
what I want the most now is to go home....

If I had the dough I wouldn't be stuck doing this shit course...what kinda freak majors in chemistry voluntarily? I don't even know y im trying so hard to prove myself to the world..so what if I don't get into the deans list this time?so what if I cant live up to my golden key membership?so what if my pointer is below 3.00?y do I set such high standards for myself?its not as if im gonna seek employment in this stupid field..WHAT THE HELL M I TRYING TO PROVE?whats wrong with failing?just get up again!its not like anyone gives a damn, im just another future tax payer...another vote..

Y cant I just wash my hands off of all this n just live according to my abilities?i guess its coz,if I did...I wouldn't be much...I'd be nothing actually..coz underneath it all..im just a plain jane...
If only I studied earlier,if only im doing something I like,if only my family were nearer,if only I was closer to god,if only I had brains,if only I weren't so ugly,if only I was amazingly talented,if only I have the guts to quit and admit defeat,if only I didn't have so much pride (yeah,I accuse others without looking into the mirror)...I wouldn't be where I am today;neurotic..
my whole being revolves around what if's...

im such a big,fat baby...im supposed to be the eldest, a tyrant,not a puss...

I could go on and on about how pathetic my life is...n what a retard I am..but then im always reminded by my nagging conscience that if i think im miserable...theres always someone who's had it worse...
Lost a parent, child,not able to go to uni, not able to walk,not able to see,
Starved,abused children, foreign maids, druggies, alcoholics..
Karen,patricia n Anusuya,god bless ur souls...I know u'd give anything just to be alive....n here I m..contemplating suicide....
Im such a selfish pig....

noel,im sorry u had to hear me crapping and overanalyzing things..and all those tears were purely self pity...ur right,maybe I should just study like a guy..when I cant get anymore into my head...hang it...

Sanity...!dont leave me...

was like yesterday semester started...time flies when ur just stalking ppl in campus,...hahhah..shit...
havent filled up the student exchange form yet.
i dreamt of the nickel-DMG complex last night..thats how much of chemistry i've been studying...im becoming a freak!
i was excited going to church last week...spent so long figuring out what to wear....thats how long i havent been out...
sigh....
i think i've got a fetish for dots.......................
cant stop myself from hitting the dot key..............
angela's down,thats surprising...i always thought surprise was splet suprise...then i saw the light...god!im crapping...
like what jo,mai yin n i do b4 we sleep when the lights r out...it starts with jiwang-ing...n as we get sleepy,our speech becomes incoherrent n we start talking rubbish...crappin...4 am talk..same frequency as justin's logic...hahahh..
oohh..we're organising a christmas party..in DECEMBER...n the guest list is already done....i know i know...everyone in this house is going looney!
hope the ptptn loan is in by then though...or else it'll be a mr.potato party...with watered-coke...n lotsa cheap jellies....

r christians really christians?

lazy sunday....feeling lazy..wana be lazy..but i CANT..
frustration with a capital F

went yam char-ing with justin n jon last nite after church...i seriously do not know what his problem is with CBN girls...the way he was kutuk-ing them n all....
said he joined the choir as his ko-k..guess i'll be seeing a lot of him next semester
saw jon chen again...@ 2+ in the morning
said he just came back from his gig

i talked about jo today...n i CRIED again in front of mai yin..wat a baby..i wonder how she is now...im sure she's forgotten us..that twit...

father patrick said mass yesterday....buta-buta he was condemning catholics...love his sermons,he's brutally honest...too bad he's not with OLL anymore

that got me thinking...wats the deal with catholics n non-catholic christians?
there seems to be an ongoing silent war between the 2 puaks..which i dont understand...
im a catholic...not by choice but because i was brought up as one...n by saying tghat i dont mean that im not happy being one..in fact im kinda proud...
but i dont go around proclaiming im one..like some do,as if they're one step above everyone else...
'r u christian?'...'catholic'..with a holier-than-thou look...
who asked which denomination?just answer yes/no....dont have to feel obliged to proclaim anything

then there are the non catholic christians who start avoiding you once they learn ur catholic....hello?do i look like a leper?they seem to think we're a cult worshippin mary n the saints...
'x likes y but y doesnt wanna layan x because x is a catholic...' that kinda talk from a civilised,modern society..

distinction becomes apparent between the christian societies n the catholic societies..the way they try hard to out do n outsmart each other..taking offense in everything..rejecting invitations,not inviting..not wanting to extend/combine projects..starts way back in school... till uni its still very much the same...we'd save a lot of effort n emotions if there was only one christian society.

where's the competition?who goes to heaven n who does not?i reckon those 'supporting ' these unchristianly doings will be heading straight down south....so much of unneccessary pride...

but not all r like that...in fact..i know many in these who r good friends n r really sincere....i guess it only takes one to tarnish a good thing..

one man starts disagreeing with a certain ideology of his church,moves on to start a church of its own...i dont think thats christian...christianity is unity...

then there are the christian freaks...the way they go around house to house promoting christianity,wanting to convert every ah beng,ahmad and raju on the street...wat a load of crock...
its a religion..not some tangible good/service that needs promotion...
u want more ppl to embrace the religion?practice what you preach,show christianity through ur deeds, ur kindness,thoughtfulness...dont degrade the religion by shoving it down someone's throat....
if i had one wish....it would be to bring all christians together under a common church...

peace out....

KOT 221

ha...one more chapter tomorrow....then on to past years..this is the most last-minute preparation i've ever had...besides my p6 organ exam...
i wonder if i'd die if i jumped off the balcony of this ninth floor......quite tempting...hahahh...omigod..i sound like im suffering from MPD
anyway...after learning of ivans death,im appreciating life more...to mati katak like that...poor kid...

elaine's bringing her tv here next semester...n li yen's bringing her dvd/vcd player...looks like we're gonna have a theatre right here at home...mai yin's not gonna study...
we missed ass-guy today...we were at pelita when jon called to say that ass-guy was at din's buying burger...oh well...not that big a loss,since we stay at the same apartments...but she msged him..n he REPLIED...
n mai yin being who she is....damn control!i was more excited...but i knowdeep inside she was as ecstatic...
i wonder if my parents can read my mind...then i dont have to feel so bad each time i pick up the phone to ask for more money...
sometimes i wish i hadnt bought that keyboard...but then again..i'd be so bored.....n karat.
saw jon chen today..think he was on his way to his gig at the mansion...heard he's really good at whatever he plays...
crap..its already saturday....
gtg go hit the books...elaine's table is so conducive for study...mine has bad feng shui...

SCREW KTT

y do i even bother studying?ktt is absolutely incomprehensible...its worse than trying to understand what point shasha's trying to prove in an argument...the billion theories n million gambarajah's,buktikan this n buktikan that...like it hasnt already been proven.....aarrgghh....
today i saw someone studying about pintu rintangan api at the library...now...thats easy....
must be from the TI school...
i wonder if there's sucha thing as the study of sleep...it'll be kinda cool ....do experiments in my sleep...hahha..i wish....
the only course that i enjoyed n actually gave my 100% was creative writing....mr raymer..u rock....

life isnt a box of chocolates....it's a parcel of books,books n more books...

protest of the ugly

i found something i wrote 4 xfresh not too long ago...its still quite true...happy i found it coz i didnt save the draft...something that i realise i should have done...thanks mr raymer...:)

All in the name of beauty
by anucia
Uploaded 25th Apr 2003


Some lippie? Here's the latest breakthrough in the cosmetics world; a foundation that works as a concealer and prebase all in one, cream to powder system or would you just fancy a facelift? Or Skin lightening package? Or a shampoo that miraculously can straighten your mop? There, Chitosan can work wonders for your flabby physique.

Sounds familiar? You bet. That's the voice of the ever so persistent and condescending promoter, oops, I think we have to add some glamour to that. Think sales executive. No, I am not belittling them, but there are times when I've felt that they deserve smug customers.

Ever felt so small in front of them? I have, but not to the point of buying whatever they say, thankfully. The things we do nowadays for the sake of appearing beautiful physically baffles me and I'm not denying that I haven't been swept by an overwhelming desire to turn heads.

Damn those who say that beauty is skin deep, skin surface is more like it. In my latest attempt to tip the weighing scale to the left, I sometimes wonder if it's worth the effort.
It's so unfair that the wealthy can just opt for liposuction, while I skip away and lift weights. Does physical appearance matter? Can't we just be pleasant-looking (i.e neat and clean) and have a wonderful personality? Apparently we can't. First impressions don't count? Think again. Then why is it that the better-looking airhead always seem to get the job?

Why is it that the cosmetics and fragrance promoters always choose to chat up the prettier, posh-looking brat instead of me? Am I not worthy of using a labeled scent? Am I doomed to the Petaling Street perfume vendors? Ha? Am I? Guys, you may not want to believe me, but do you know how much time my species put into the mere purpose of looking good for YOU? So that YOU can show us off proudly to YOUR friends?

So that YOU can feel proud that YOU attained a prized possession that may draw attention away from your personality flaws? What a bunch of losers my species are. Girls, I implore you to prove the opposite of the women-exploiting schemes behind certain commercials (think along the lines of the Sunsilk ad). We need girls who find the need to appreciate and look good for THEMSELVES and not for reasons that make them worthy of praises from others. I recently decided to hit the malls bare-faced, only armed with defense counter-lines to attack those who even dare look at me criticizingly and, I must say, it felt darn good. A cosmetic promoter on the lookout for customers who need 'serious help' decided to corner me saying, "We have something that can even out the uneven skin tone of yours, would you like to take a look at it? And we also have something for those spots and scars on your face, we can do a free demo for you upon request"

My answer? "My request is that you promote your stuff when I ASK for it or when I show any ounce of interest; other than that, my face is MY face and not your painting canvas. I'm happy it being able to breathe and not caked up like yours" and with that I turned to walk away. I know she would have bitched about me to the other promoters, but so what? She deserved what she got, that rude thing.

Not too long ago, I watched a documentary where a lady (who was a FITNESS INSTRUCTOR, and should know better) underwent a facelift surgery whereby the doctor inserted a 'hook-like' apparatus to both sides of her head above her ears and pulled her sagging cheek muscles with some sorta wire and attached the said wire to the 'hooks '. The result? Not an obvious one compared to her 'before' picture. A pure waste of time, money and resources I'd say. Why would a completely healthy person undergo such pain to defy nature is what I don't undestand. Sometimes I wonder at the purpose of The Almighty creating such fools.

Since I'm an Indian and am not exactly the fairest of the fairest, I have been subjected to efforts by various behalves, be it friends, family and even strangers to consider using products like the Pond's Whitening Formulae and the Fair and Lovely Cream/Lotion
But poor them, nothing can sway my belief that our skin isn't meant to be messed with like that. Anyway, why is white beautiful? I love my tanned colour, and I don't find the need to change it, I can't comprehend why some people would spend thousands to bleach and what not. Why is straight hair beautiful?

I love my locks, it adds life to my crown and automatically rubs off on me. Hard to manage, but definitely worth it. And why oh why is thin beautiful? It's sad seeing 'man-made' malnourished twigs prancing around. A tad bit of flabbiness is absolutely huggable and the way to go. I'm not recommending a weight gain or weight loss program but what I'm trying to say is, forget what the world may think, but if doing something makes you feel good and you aren't doing that something for the good of others, then, you go, gurl. This world is a pretentious one, the least we can do is be original. Here's where we don't go with the flow.

death

i thought of death today,
of growind old...of my parents growind old and eventually passing on....
brought me to tears it did...ppl tell me i cry too easily..guess they're rite...
i even cried during the High Praise at the Dome, Komtar...how embarassing is that?
but these fears are real...
i keep seeing myself at my mother's funeral...regretting each fight,each argument, regretting not telling her that i appreciated all that she had done for me...
i've got too much of pride to actually pick up the phone n tell them...so im saying it here..
amma n appa...i love you so much...thanks for letting me be me....i dont remember ever telling you personally, but dont for a moment doubt that i care for you...
i wish things would never change...except for the fact that my family are now in sibu n not klang...
it would be nice to go home often...
i wanna stay in the second year forever...
i found a new song to call favourite at the moment..alone again naturally by vonda shepard...it goes something like this...

looking back over the years..
and whatever else that appears,
i remember i cried when my father died
never wishing to hide the tears...

and at 65 years old,
my mother,god rest her soul
couldnt understand
y the only man,
she had ever loved had been taken
leaving her to start with a heart so badly broken
despite encouragement from me
no words were ever spoken

and when she passed away..
i cried n cried all day..
alone again..naturally....

well...back to the books...

dugong-ing...my favourite past time....

My god its saturday already....exactly 10 days for kot 221....sonia, heard its your first holy communion tomorrow...congrats....thats what they wish those to receive their forst holy communion rite...?
i've discovered a way to send sms' for free....actually..it wasnt me who 'discovered' it laa....justin did,i dont wanna get sued, so the langkah kerja and tatacara will not be posted here....all you with digi prepaid lines...i have sent you the sms....all you have to conduct now is langkah berjaga-jaga....
hey noel,sorry i couldnt come online just now..was damn sleepy...mai yin n the bed are bad influences in my life..heheh..
oops...i hear the ratu tidur waking....gtg now...church's at 7..wonder if they'll play good songs today..?i miss uncle keyboard, he only plays on sundays...y dont i go on sundays?as the klang saying goes...it's for me to know and for you to find out....
Prema chachi....i didnt know you werent coming back?that yu were planning to get a job down under?the last i heard u said that dad said that he wanted you to work in our 'multiracial'-'multicoloured'-'multicultured' 'tolerant' country?guess i'm not your fav couzin anymore.....sob,sob....

just another lazy friday

This is like... way cool...
thanks Noel...never really thought you would do it...heheh...under estimated you didn't i?Elaine wants her real pic there...you don't have hers, I know...but she says tarens pic will do...so I guess you'll have to switch that...
Talked to mommy today...dad refused to talk to me...i think he knows I'll just ask him for more money...
Going back on the 11th oct..flight details and all confirmed...mai yin and jo coming on the 16th...like we don't get enough of each other..kidding la, u guys...
Did something really stupid today...semangat-ly went to campus...konon wanted to study...brought that bloody thick Organic book...n guess what...I didn't bring my pencil case!i know,so bodoh rite...felt like I lost an arm...i ended up stuffing my face at bistro n went home after that...KUT 205 paper tomorrow...n sob..sob..im only halfway through...n there's survivor later...
How m I gonna survive this test...?

A Site is Born ...

What is The Evolutionary Life of Anucia Elizabeth?

The Evolutionary Life of Anucia Elizabeth is a 'living' dynamic site that is made up of short, frequently updated posts that are arranged chronologically like a diary/journal. Of course, there is nothing here right now since it is just the beginning. Commonly known as a 'weblog' or 'blog', the content or purpose of this site can vary greatly - from links and commentary about other web sites, to news about a person/idea, to diaries, photos, poetry, essays, project updates, even fiction. For someone like Anucia who can be very opinionated, this blog will give her the chance to vent and voice your mind without hesitation.

Any post here is like an instant message to the web. Say how much, or how little you want without hassle.

There are many blogs out there. Some are personal, with a "what's on my mind" type concept. Some are collaborative efforts based on a specific topic or area of mutual interest. Some blogs are for play. Some are for work. Some are both.

With fresh content and effort, your blog will spur faithful readers and new friends from around the world. Trust me, its gonna be fun.


So the next time when you have something to say, just blog it!
Cheers!