Ravaging

I know that when you write journals and diaries, you'll have to honour the shit as much as the good times. Maybe that's why my blog is more of a shithole than a pot of gold.
Why do I have so much of not-so-nice things to write about? My life can't be as pathetic as that, you say.
Well, it is...and I don't bother writing about the zippideedoodah stories so much because they don't last. Not as long as misery. You can go on dwelling in sadness and tears, but you can't in joy and content. It's there only for a while and that makes it insignificant in the face of misery. Because I have a longer time to wallow, it's there in my face, so I HAVE to write about it, that's the only way to deal with it..
Ok. Enough now.

Here's a another lump of dung for the shithole.

I'm depressed. No, not because of the World CUp, and not because I'll never ever have a chance to ask for Klinsmann's hand in marriage.

I'm depressed that I'm almost 24 and don't have a career objective. I have no drive and what's worse, I have no idea where to drive to. This is not what I used to be. I've always been a high achiever-be it school exams, in my music and in whatever I do and it scares me that I have lost this motivation (the same one that has carried me through all the years). At least I had a perfect score to work towards when I was studying.
Now? Nothing is certain.
One minute you may have the job of your dreams, the next you can wake up and feel like this is not what you wanna be doing for the rest of your life.

I hate this feeling of being aimless in my one and only shot. I can't belive that I don't know what I want in life. The only thing I know with absolute certainty is that I want my own family and I want to get out of my house. fast. However, the thought of being only a housewive scares the crap outta me. It's not that I think lowly of housewives, I just refuse to believe that's the only thing I'm capable of. On the other hand, I need to be in love with my job. Why can't i strike the balance?Why?WHY?WHY?????
Why can't I just be one of those idiots who take whatever job that comes their way and bitch daily about their job/boss/colleagues?

I know not the zest of life or the satisfaction that comes with career accomplishments. I look at working individuals wondering if they're truly happy. I listen to stories of their marvellous relationships and wonder, "Why can't I have that?" I sing a song over and over, only realising its meaning when it's no longer played on the radio.

Right now,I have faith in nobody. NOBODY. If you're someone who prides yourself in being my good friend or a person I can trust, don't anymore. Coz I don't have faith in you. And I'm going to take the rest of today, and maybe tomorrow to hate. I'm gonna hate the One dollar toll lady, I'm going to hate the children that scream in the field opposite my house. I'm going to hate the idiots who don't watch where they walk in the pasar malam tomorrow. I will hate the fucker who flashes me on the road and the asshole who came up with the blasted idea of a 5-day week for banks.I'm going to hate the next person who calls me and the popiah man who sells filthy crap to people who park haphazardly along that road.I cant make a resolution to hate cats, coz I already do. So there.
Should you bump into me over the next few days, I'm excusing myself in advance if I bite.Don't say I didn't warn you.