Grasping
You know, the only things that's keeping me together thus far is my to-hell-with-the-world self.
The other Anucia-the one that keeps saying "Life's too short,get a move on woman!" everytime I dwell upon my dull, unfulfilled life.
Yes, I'm envious.I envy those who have it together, those who have it all going for them.
Why?Coz I am supposed to be there...I had it all planned out, damnit! Everyone was supposed to be envious of MY life!
But look where I am today-stuck with a great job that I can't for the life of me appreciate, try as hard as I might, no family, no doggie, no social life, no love life, NOTHING!
I love my company, I get along very well with my colleagues, most of them at least....but I'm not happy.
This is not my calling. I want to get up anticipating going to work. I know the right atmosphere is half the battle won-but I want to win the whole journey. I want to conqeour my life.
It's easier to sit and bitch about things than to get off my butt and do something about the very things that make me dread each waking morning-but I try. I really do. Perhaps not hard enough, perhaps it's not my time to 'shine'. I dont know. I wish I knew.
I'm ashamed of myself, ashamed that I don't have it in me to get over someone whom I meant nothing to.
Ashamed that it's been well over a year and I still think about him everyday. Every single bloody day. Every single night. It's killing me..and slowly draining me out.
Sometimes I think that I'm ready to go out and meet new people. Then, like an unexpected wave, the reality consumes me. It's him that I want to see in everyone else. The irritatingly imperfect him.
It's him that I want to talk to, It's him that I miss dearly.
Take today, for instance.
I met this guy, kinda cute...well...my kind of cute at least.
He winked, I smiled-then I hear this voice in my head, "What the hell do you think you're doing?
And I never looked his way after that.
I'm sick of this. I'm sick of holding on. No one's asking me to-yet I don't know why I'm so obliging.
Sometimes I wish Penang would be erased like an episode of amnesia. The other times, I wish he cared.
He says he does- I wish I felt it.
The other Anucia-the one that keeps saying "Life's too short,get a move on woman!" everytime I dwell upon my dull, unfulfilled life.
Yes, I'm envious.I envy those who have it together, those who have it all going for them.
Why?Coz I am supposed to be there...I had it all planned out, damnit! Everyone was supposed to be envious of MY life!
But look where I am today-stuck with a great job that I can't for the life of me appreciate, try as hard as I might, no family, no doggie, no social life, no love life, NOTHING!
I love my company, I get along very well with my colleagues, most of them at least....but I'm not happy.
This is not my calling. I want to get up anticipating going to work. I know the right atmosphere is half the battle won-but I want to win the whole journey. I want to conqeour my life.
It's easier to sit and bitch about things than to get off my butt and do something about the very things that make me dread each waking morning-but I try. I really do. Perhaps not hard enough, perhaps it's not my time to 'shine'. I dont know. I wish I knew.
I'm ashamed of myself, ashamed that I don't have it in me to get over someone whom I meant nothing to.
Ashamed that it's been well over a year and I still think about him everyday. Every single bloody day. Every single night. It's killing me..and slowly draining me out.
Sometimes I think that I'm ready to go out and meet new people. Then, like an unexpected wave, the reality consumes me. It's him that I want to see in everyone else. The irritatingly imperfect him.
It's him that I want to talk to, It's him that I miss dearly.
Take today, for instance.
I met this guy, kinda cute...well...my kind of cute at least.
He winked, I smiled-then I hear this voice in my head, "What the hell do you think you're doing?
And I never looked his way after that.
I'm sick of this. I'm sick of holding on. No one's asking me to-yet I don't know why I'm so obliging.
Sometimes I wish Penang would be erased like an episode of amnesia. The other times, I wish he cared.
He says he does- I wish I felt it.
1 Comments:
Hey Anu,
I am going thru exactly what ur feeling in this entry. I know exactly how u feel...well maybe not exactly, but so close! I hope the new year brings u peace, strength and happiness...I am sure u will be able to get thru it!
@nu
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