My First July 05 Post
I'm getting quite annoyed at myself.
Why is it that of late, I keep analysing the new men that come my way in a "mapillai suitability" light? It makes me almost desperate, which I so AM NOT!
Honestly, I think it's unfair to the party that's being judged because it deprives them of the right to be seen as an individual. That’s because what I'm doing is singling out qualities to my delight and unpleasant traits that I disapprove of and comparing both, hence arriving at my conclusion if this said person is worth getting to know.
I don't like that. And I'm trying hard to beat out of it.
Nevertheless, I've been told that this is natural. It happens.
Over time apparently, it gives you a clearer insight on what you want/can live with as well as what you don’t/can't live with.
In a way, I guess I have to agree.
The truth of the matter though, is that at the end of it all,you'd be holding a long list of specifications, that no possible being could possibly fit. It makes you pickier.
A friend asked me, "Why are you giving up on love?"
I said, "I'm not, I'm just tired, and I find the whole idea quite ardously draining."
"Hey, it's actually quite a beautiful thing, just that we humans make it what it is, a silly game," he replied.
Then continued,"You've had only a couple of bad experiences, which was probably well worth it, and there's a good 5,6 years in front of you. Outwardly, you're doing pretty okay. Why are you letting it get in the way?"
"I'm just not thinking about it,okay. You DO NOT want me to think about it. Not a good idea. Some things happen for a reason, and I can't reason last year," I murmured.
He provokes, "You're not over him, are you?"
"I so am," I said insistently.
"No, you're not."
"Yes, I am."
"No, you're not."
"I so am!"
"Look me in the eye and say that you are," he went on to test me.
And so I obliged, gave him an intense pierce and staccato-ed each syllable, "I-am-very-much-over-him!"
I held the stare a bit longer that usual, in my mind telling myself, "Hold it, hold back the tears…focus..."
I blinked hard as I looked away.
Felt like an idiot, but it worked. He didn’t notice.
"Why don’t you give it another shot? There's nothing in the way now, right? And you don’t judge someone on their past, so why not?"
Boy, was this dude persistent.
"Aahh..I don’t want to screw up again. Things are a lot better now, and I don’t wish to be an agent of change. Even if I do try, it won't happen. Don’t ask me how I know, I just do."
"Okay, but if you do, be careful this time. You fell real hard the last time, and picking up was extremely difficult. Don’t go there again," he advised me.
Damn right he was.
The funny thing is, as I acknowledged what he said, '…the ride with you was worth the fall, my friend…you know you'll never love that way again…' from Whitney's Didn’t We Almost Have it All struck a harmonious chord.
Why is it that of late, I keep analysing the new men that come my way in a "mapillai suitability" light? It makes me almost desperate, which I so AM NOT!
Honestly, I think it's unfair to the party that's being judged because it deprives them of the right to be seen as an individual. That’s because what I'm doing is singling out qualities to my delight and unpleasant traits that I disapprove of and comparing both, hence arriving at my conclusion if this said person is worth getting to know.
I don't like that. And I'm trying hard to beat out of it.
Nevertheless, I've been told that this is natural. It happens.
Over time apparently, it gives you a clearer insight on what you want/can live with as well as what you don’t/can't live with.
In a way, I guess I have to agree.
The truth of the matter though, is that at the end of it all,you'd be holding a long list of specifications, that no possible being could possibly fit. It makes you pickier.
A friend asked me, "Why are you giving up on love?"
I said, "I'm not, I'm just tired, and I find the whole idea quite ardously draining."
"Hey, it's actually quite a beautiful thing, just that we humans make it what it is, a silly game," he replied.
Then continued,"You've had only a couple of bad experiences, which was probably well worth it, and there's a good 5,6 years in front of you. Outwardly, you're doing pretty okay. Why are you letting it get in the way?"
"I'm just not thinking about it,okay. You DO NOT want me to think about it. Not a good idea. Some things happen for a reason, and I can't reason last year," I murmured.
He provokes, "You're not over him, are you?"
"I so am," I said insistently.
"No, you're not."
"Yes, I am."
"No, you're not."
"I so am!"
"Look me in the eye and say that you are," he went on to test me.
And so I obliged, gave him an intense pierce and staccato-ed each syllable, "I-am-very-much-over-him!"
I held the stare a bit longer that usual, in my mind telling myself, "Hold it, hold back the tears…focus..."
I blinked hard as I looked away.
Felt like an idiot, but it worked. He didn’t notice.
"Why don’t you give it another shot? There's nothing in the way now, right? And you don’t judge someone on their past, so why not?"
Boy, was this dude persistent.
"Aahh..I don’t want to screw up again. Things are a lot better now, and I don’t wish to be an agent of change. Even if I do try, it won't happen. Don’t ask me how I know, I just do."
"Okay, but if you do, be careful this time. You fell real hard the last time, and picking up was extremely difficult. Don’t go there again," he advised me.
Damn right he was.
The funny thing is, as I acknowledged what he said, '…the ride with you was worth the fall, my friend…you know you'll never love that way again…' from Whitney's Didn’t We Almost Have it All struck a harmonious chord.
6 Comments:
Sounds like you're having a mid-life crisis
smiles~ guess everyone does that. this filtering thingy when you observe or pepper them with questions and see they pass or not!
Whoever dumped you doesnt realise what he's lost.
In my opinion, not many people can get over such pain and yet cherish the good times with that same person who caused all that pain in the first place. You've got a heart of gold and youre some woman!
;)
Good luck...
Hey anon:
you think so? gosh, i'm gonna exit this world at 46...hmmm...
sunil:
I'm so glad i'm not the only one...*phew*
Sir arthur:
I never thought it'd come out sounding like that...:)
i didnt get dumped...i was referring to a 'love that never happened' or a 'love that wasn't returned'...something along those lines..but i'll keep the compliments, nonetheless....
I've been doing some thinking, and I've realised that the comment I posted previously was rude and untactful. Hopefully, you'll accept my apology; the darling that you are.
I find this blog exeedingly attractive. I like the way you can speak your mind without being judged. It's almost like a journal. Where you can vent your inermost feelings. It's strange,how some people can feel comfortable enough to vent their feelings online. I wouldn't be able to. I have many good friends and a great family. Still, it feels like there is no where to hide or to run to. Do you feel that away? I highly doubt it considering how comfortable you are sharing your dreams, falls, and victories with anyone and everyone. I envy you. Still, keep up the good work. I can predict that you will grow into a fine, confident person with your I-shall-work-hard attitude and your but-I-must-know-when-to-take-it-easy. Yours sincerely...
Post a Comment
<< Home