Sense Vs Nonsense
What do I do when I'm feeling down in the dumps, as Gaston's little buddy puts it? I never really could give a definite answer to that question, but now I think I'll try anyway.I'd coop myself in my room, and if there are tears, well then it'd obviously be poured out. If there aren't, like today, I'd just brood. I'd think, and think, and think till this tiny incompetent mind of mine starts to hurt. After a while it goes blank, and some sort of a revelation takes over. Before long, I hear another voice. It's Sensible Me urging me to get my act together, that I'm acting like an overgrown baby, that there's no reason to be upset if I'm upfront about things.
Silly Me :But I can't. What if it doesn't come out right? I could lose people I love!
Sensible Me :Well, at least it came out. That's better isn't it? Than to sit here and imagine the possible possibilities? Than to bitch and rant about it on your blog that'll get you nowhere. Come on, how hard can it be?
Silly Me :How hard can it be? Are you some kinda stupid I've been ignorant about??If it doesn't go the way I want it to, where am I gonna hide this face?It's okay for you, coz you don't have a face. You just have an annoying voice and reside in my head.
Sensible Me :Whatever. But you know I'm not called sensible for nothing. Do what you want, just don't regret not doing what you're supposed to.
Silly Me :You know what? I'm sick of all your righteous, condescending talk. Why don't you go get yourself a new hobby?
Sensible Me :I would if I could, trust me. But I can't, so I won't. It's sickening trying to knock sense into you, it never works. But that's the only reason of my existence, and I'm gonna leave with an impressive letter of recommendation, whatever it takes.
Silly Me :I knew it had to be about you. You pretend to care, but you don't. I'm just another project to authorise,aren't i?
Sensible Me :You're so fucking full of self pity. Rid yourself of that, you'll be a lot better off.
Silly Me :Oh,bugger off, will you?!
She then fades away and lets me be.I'll drift off to sleep after a while, and then be rudely awakened by a bad dream. Dreams of being raped, of being chased by snakes, of being caught lying, of drowning, of finding myself naked amidst a crowd, of missing my exams, of waking up and finding myself dead.
What happens next will be clanging in the kitchen. I'd fix myself comfort food. Nothing complex, bread and milo, or maggi, or oreos and milk, along those sort. It distracts for a while, coz when I eat, I need to be reading something, a book, or the papers. Even this would be done in my room. I'd dread the last leaf of the material, coz that means I'm back to having the company of nothing.Sometimes I'd eat so much, only to realise too late that I feel like a beached whale. Then will follow a trip to the loo, where I'd stick two fingers down my throat, sorta suck my tummy in a couple of times to create a pump-like effect and watch it all come out.
Subsquently, I'll find myself in front of the PC, or if I don't have access to one, it'll be the old fashioned pen-and-paper where I'll write rubbish, like what I'm doing now. I'd finish an impressive number of pieces, I've done three today. So called 'poems' (if they're worthy of being called that) and ramblings. Some of which I'll publish on my www nook, and some of which that would never be read by anyone but me, stored in a password protected folder. If I had my organ or keyboard with me, I could sit at it till my butt goes numb and not care the least. I'd mostly play my favourite scores, or something off my head, or some midi and sing along. If I feel like it, I'd wistfully go through old photos and letters.
By now, I'd need to curl up with my bolster, under my towel-like blanket with sad, sappy, songs that hit home in the background, while I'm led again to Slumberland by those thoughts that had earlier drove Sensible Me mad.
I've learnt that Sensible Me only bugs me during daylight.
It's a good thing that I've nothing else to worry about at the moment. I couldn't afford this luxury if I was still in Uni. Well, I would close the door of a darkened room, play Light and Easy for a while, but I'd almost always know when to draw the line. You know, like, an hour's up, hit the books, sorta thing.Somewhere along trying to understand the stereochemistry of chair conformations and Fischer projections, I'd scribble nonsense on notepaper that you'd only understand if I've sketched you details.
I wouldn't go so far as to say I'm mad, that I need to seek one-on-one professional help. I just become a little twisted at times. Just like there are days when you wake up to cheerful chirps of the birds on your windowsill, feeling great and on top of the world, like you can't wait to seize the day, it has to be true that there are days that drag you down as well. What gives, I've yet to put my finger on it. The weather? The people that surround that day? Maybe it's coz I 'layan' these days, it gets so bad. But why pretend it doesn't exist, when it does? I just wish it doesn't happen so often, not just to me but to anyone.
Silly Me :But I can't. What if it doesn't come out right? I could lose people I love!
Sensible Me :Well, at least it came out. That's better isn't it? Than to sit here and imagine the possible possibilities? Than to bitch and rant about it on your blog that'll get you nowhere. Come on, how hard can it be?
Silly Me :How hard can it be? Are you some kinda stupid I've been ignorant about??If it doesn't go the way I want it to, where am I gonna hide this face?It's okay for you, coz you don't have a face. You just have an annoying voice and reside in my head.
Sensible Me :Whatever. But you know I'm not called sensible for nothing. Do what you want, just don't regret not doing what you're supposed to.
Silly Me :You know what? I'm sick of all your righteous, condescending talk. Why don't you go get yourself a new hobby?
Sensible Me :I would if I could, trust me. But I can't, so I won't. It's sickening trying to knock sense into you, it never works. But that's the only reason of my existence, and I'm gonna leave with an impressive letter of recommendation, whatever it takes.
Silly Me :I knew it had to be about you. You pretend to care, but you don't. I'm just another project to authorise,aren't i?
Sensible Me :You're so fucking full of self pity. Rid yourself of that, you'll be a lot better off.
Silly Me :Oh,bugger off, will you?!
She then fades away and lets me be.I'll drift off to sleep after a while, and then be rudely awakened by a bad dream. Dreams of being raped, of being chased by snakes, of being caught lying, of drowning, of finding myself naked amidst a crowd, of missing my exams, of waking up and finding myself dead.
What happens next will be clanging in the kitchen. I'd fix myself comfort food. Nothing complex, bread and milo, or maggi, or oreos and milk, along those sort. It distracts for a while, coz when I eat, I need to be reading something, a book, or the papers. Even this would be done in my room. I'd dread the last leaf of the material, coz that means I'm back to having the company of nothing.Sometimes I'd eat so much, only to realise too late that I feel like a beached whale. Then will follow a trip to the loo, where I'd stick two fingers down my throat, sorta suck my tummy in a couple of times to create a pump-like effect and watch it all come out.
Subsquently, I'll find myself in front of the PC, or if I don't have access to one, it'll be the old fashioned pen-and-paper where I'll write rubbish, like what I'm doing now. I'd finish an impressive number of pieces, I've done three today. So called 'poems' (if they're worthy of being called that) and ramblings. Some of which I'll publish on my www nook, and some of which that would never be read by anyone but me, stored in a password protected folder. If I had my organ or keyboard with me, I could sit at it till my butt goes numb and not care the least. I'd mostly play my favourite scores, or something off my head, or some midi and sing along. If I feel like it, I'd wistfully go through old photos and letters.
By now, I'd need to curl up with my bolster, under my towel-like blanket with sad, sappy, songs that hit home in the background, while I'm led again to Slumberland by those thoughts that had earlier drove Sensible Me mad.
I've learnt that Sensible Me only bugs me during daylight.
It's a good thing that I've nothing else to worry about at the moment. I couldn't afford this luxury if I was still in Uni. Well, I would close the door of a darkened room, play Light and Easy for a while, but I'd almost always know when to draw the line. You know, like, an hour's up, hit the books, sorta thing.Somewhere along trying to understand the stereochemistry of chair conformations and Fischer projections, I'd scribble nonsense on notepaper that you'd only understand if I've sketched you details.
I wouldn't go so far as to say I'm mad, that I need to seek one-on-one professional help. I just become a little twisted at times. Just like there are days when you wake up to cheerful chirps of the birds on your windowsill, feeling great and on top of the world, like you can't wait to seize the day, it has to be true that there are days that drag you down as well. What gives, I've yet to put my finger on it. The weather? The people that surround that day? Maybe it's coz I 'layan' these days, it gets so bad. But why pretend it doesn't exist, when it does? I just wish it doesn't happen so often, not just to me but to anyone.
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