Fragility

I remember looking forward to the day when I'd be finished with my degree, done with being at the mercy of lecturers that seem to have cactuses stuck up their asses, through with deluded people who just didn't give two hoots about things that happened outside the comfort of their pseudo cocoons.
Ironically though, all this kinda added colour to my days in Penang.
Speaking of Penang, it's time I stop living in the past and move on...
Let these waves wash me whevever it wants to...

Nevertheless, I know I'm gonna miss the friendly faces in Pelita, taking an HOUR by bus to and from church every weekend, the smiling thosai aunty, the ever-so-sweet belacan rice aunty(who'd diligently pack extra packets of chilli upon seeing me), the guards at the apartments( I wouldnt balme them if they thought we were easy chicks,judging by the number of guys that pick us up and come up to the apartment..heheh)
The motor shop uncle who'd always know my order even before I open my mouth, the whistling barbershop machans, Abang Din, the Chap Fan at SS(rice,assam fish gravy, jap tauhu, french beans and baby kailan)...
some of the many things that added variety to the routined days....

I've been told to stop doing things to please people and start living my life the way I want to. And I argued that when you want something, it's only natural to go all the way...and he said,"True, but you go out of the way!"
I guess I do, in certain ways, when it concerns certain people, and certain circumstances...
Maybe it's a defense mechanism...you know like, if I screw up, then people may decide to overlook it and focus instead on all the nice things I've done,some sorta distraction from my shortcomings...a sheild..
But before you go like,"wait a minute"...I'll tell you this, dont doubt my sincerity...

But I believe that there are many sides of me...the uptight me, the funny me, the mother me, the caretaker me, the bitchy me, the real mean me, the shy me...etc. etc...
Everyone has their multiple faces, I guess...but it's so hard to define the 'set bertindih'..
I don't know myself, and ain't that sad...the one person who should know you,doesn't quite do..

I've always believed that when it comes to relationships, you gotta be honest.
I remember telling Mai Yin, "You know, if you really do like him, you should tell him...coz he's got a right to know. It's only fair that you do.This whole thing involves the both of you..and this stupid hide and seek game is exactly that, stupid".

I took my own advice and it killed a friendship. I'm not gonna do the same thing again. Not for a while at least.
Now I know better than to offer my advice on matters that should just be left to Big Bro and Thelma.
Today, knowing that there's someone who fits my puzzle really well...not just fitting it, but revealing a breathtaking picture, I cannot bring myself to jeopardize it again. Too much to lose..
Like I told Jo yesterday...it's the story of my life..same ol',same ol'...
By now, I should've mastered this..
You like someone, You think he feels the same, you open your eyes after the first pangs of excitement pass only to see boulders in your way. Parents, a third party, or you being the third party, his issues, yours, religion, commitment problems, the list seem endless. And when you think you've tackled one, another crops up, teasing your sanity.

People tell you things like,"Dont worry, the right one will come along, and everything won't be the same again".
Then I'd feel like yelling,"The right one is HERE,damn it! And hell yeah, things aren't the same..but it's not moving, you idiot!"
Before you think I'm hadap for a partner right now, I'll clarify that I'm not. It may not sound convincing, but its true. It's just sickening that you know he's right for you, but the timing isn't right, so are the given conditions. If you can 'cop' the person for the time being..that'll suffice...
Am I even making sense here?
Maybe this will be a day that takes into account the quota of days I'm allowed to crap and be stupid...

Whatever it is, relationships are just too fragile, and it's not for the sensitive ones, coz it's a hardy's world out there.
Stupid jiwang weather isn't helping. I need to cuddle up, a hug would be a plus...