Sunday Blues
I feel like crap. There's no where to go. There's nothing on tv. There's no one home. There's nothing to love. There's no one to love. There's nothing to do, nothing urgent at least.
I've just come back from church. Went alone today, coz Mai Yin's working...and came home to a pitch dark apartment. It's a horrible feeling, coming home to an empty house spared of enthusiastic banter and sounds of cheery laughter.
I think I know what exactly my problem is;I can't function without people. I love being around people, though I don't know if friends feel the same.:) I guess you could say that I'm a people person.
Everytime I sigh heavily," So boring la,appa, nothing to do", my dad would just give me this 'what now?' look and say," Why do you need things to entertain you? Entertain yourself. Read. Switch off the damned TV."
He doesn't get it that there's only so much you can read. There's only so much music you can 'goreng' on the organ. There's only so much of the WWW you can surf. After all that, what else?
On the other hand, if you're with good company, you could just sit around the house and do nothing. Chat,laugh, talk...simple things that makes me substantially happy. I guess it's human nature to want interactive entertainment.
Talking about happiness, a friend passed me this book on being happy yesterday. As I randomly read certain topics, I caught on the gist of the book.
No one else can make you happy but you.
It must seem very stupid that I need a book to tell me that.
It's not that I don't know that happiness is what positive we make out of given circumstances, it's just that the book brought into sight chests of 'rational thinking' (so to speak) that I've subconsciously shoved to the back of my mind.
Friday was especially bad. I couldn't stand being home alone, so I took the bus to church. Overwhelmed, I sat there and stared at the statue of Jesus, and I began to think of how wonderful it'd be to be able to sit next to Him up there, to physically feel His arms around me, to be able to wipe my tears on his garments, to audibly hear His voice. What I wouldn't give to have that experience...Then again, 'Happy are those who don't see,yet believe..'
Yesterday was a good day,though. I was out the whole day with a girlfriend, bitching bout life, men and all else. I came back with a whole new viewpoint on things that have been happening lately, or rather, not happening.
I've got reaffrimation that I should not let someone push me around, downplay my emotions and make me feel less human. Not let anyone disrespect me and disregard my feelings.Again, the subconscious me knows all this, yet in this quest to make him and everyone around me happy, to not let my sh*t affect everyone else's relationships, I've put my personal needs last, or not on the list at all, sometimes.
And that's not healthy.
I need to be happy, and if that means I have to screw what he or the rest of the world thinks, so be it.
It's too bad that I've feelings for someone who doesn't know how to deal with it, it's too bad that I've grown to care deeply for a person who might as well be a wall, the way he callously says things,the way he shuts off those who try to show they care. It's too bad that even after him intentionally hurting me, I still can't,or won't walk away. It's just too bad.
Sometimes I don't even know why I make up excuses for him.
Maybe he's gots lots on his mind. Maybe he's not ready. Maybe he has never dealt with something like this before.
Enough maybes. It's time he answers the questions himself.
I can't go on sleeping the days away, letting Light and Easy mess with my mind. Not eating, not doing what I'm supposed to do. After all, I'm at the losing end. He's not the one with ulcers in the mouth. He's not the one losing sleep. He's not the one at wits end. I AM. So why torture poor me?
Even knowing all this,it's easier said then done. I guess 'being happy' doesn't come easy. There're bound to be good days and bad days. However much you duck, someone will still manage to throw mud in your face...
Just when I thought I had somewhat of a 'revolution of the mind',if you may..today turned out like crap again. AArrghhh! I'm so willing the floor to open up and swallow me alive. I know I can't let this rule me. It's my life. It's the only thing I'm in control of. Grab the steering wheel...BOTH hands,now!
I've just come back from church. Went alone today, coz Mai Yin's working...and came home to a pitch dark apartment. It's a horrible feeling, coming home to an empty house spared of enthusiastic banter and sounds of cheery laughter.
I think I know what exactly my problem is;I can't function without people. I love being around people, though I don't know if friends feel the same.:) I guess you could say that I'm a people person.
Everytime I sigh heavily," So boring la,appa, nothing to do", my dad would just give me this 'what now?' look and say," Why do you need things to entertain you? Entertain yourself. Read. Switch off the damned TV."
He doesn't get it that there's only so much you can read. There's only so much music you can 'goreng' on the organ. There's only so much of the WWW you can surf. After all that, what else?
On the other hand, if you're with good company, you could just sit around the house and do nothing. Chat,laugh, talk...simple things that makes me substantially happy. I guess it's human nature to want interactive entertainment.
Talking about happiness, a friend passed me this book on being happy yesterday. As I randomly read certain topics, I caught on the gist of the book.
No one else can make you happy but you.
It must seem very stupid that I need a book to tell me that.
It's not that I don't know that happiness is what positive we make out of given circumstances, it's just that the book brought into sight chests of 'rational thinking' (so to speak) that I've subconsciously shoved to the back of my mind.
Friday was especially bad. I couldn't stand being home alone, so I took the bus to church. Overwhelmed, I sat there and stared at the statue of Jesus, and I began to think of how wonderful it'd be to be able to sit next to Him up there, to physically feel His arms around me, to be able to wipe my tears on his garments, to audibly hear His voice. What I wouldn't give to have that experience...Then again, 'Happy are those who don't see,yet believe..'
Yesterday was a good day,though. I was out the whole day with a girlfriend, bitching bout life, men and all else. I came back with a whole new viewpoint on things that have been happening lately, or rather, not happening.
I've got reaffrimation that I should not let someone push me around, downplay my emotions and make me feel less human. Not let anyone disrespect me and disregard my feelings.Again, the subconscious me knows all this, yet in this quest to make him and everyone around me happy, to not let my sh*t affect everyone else's relationships, I've put my personal needs last, or not on the list at all, sometimes.
And that's not healthy.
I need to be happy, and if that means I have to screw what he or the rest of the world thinks, so be it.
It's too bad that I've feelings for someone who doesn't know how to deal with it, it's too bad that I've grown to care deeply for a person who might as well be a wall, the way he callously says things,the way he shuts off those who try to show they care. It's too bad that even after him intentionally hurting me, I still can't,or won't walk away. It's just too bad.
Sometimes I don't even know why I make up excuses for him.
Maybe he's gots lots on his mind. Maybe he's not ready. Maybe he has never dealt with something like this before.
Enough maybes. It's time he answers the questions himself.
I can't go on sleeping the days away, letting Light and Easy mess with my mind. Not eating, not doing what I'm supposed to do. After all, I'm at the losing end. He's not the one with ulcers in the mouth. He's not the one losing sleep. He's not the one at wits end. I AM. So why torture poor me?
Even knowing all this,it's easier said then done. I guess 'being happy' doesn't come easy. There're bound to be good days and bad days. However much you duck, someone will still manage to throw mud in your face...
Just when I thought I had somewhat of a 'revolution of the mind',if you may..today turned out like crap again. AArrghhh! I'm so willing the floor to open up and swallow me alive. I know I can't let this rule me. It's my life. It's the only thing I'm in control of. Grab the steering wheel...BOTH hands,now!
6 Comments:
forget that fella and move on lah ;-)
Easier said than done,my friend...;)
hmm.. yeah easier said than done..
sometimes its better to live alone than to open your heart. not sayin that you should live alone or nethin.. but take some time off and get involved wit other stuff.. doesnt always have to be charity etc etc take up a sport.. (taekwondo! like meeee!) or aikido or kungfoooo or err tai chi or taekwondo gtf or itf or ninja lessons..
hehe the point is.. keep busy.. theres so much to do.. ooo heres another tip.. baking classes.. wait till i habis alevel im gonna bake like never before..
*grumbles and goes back to study.. stats paper on wednesday etc etc..*
of course its easier to say... but if you dont do it, whos gonna do it for you? life will keep kicking you in the ass... ape nak buat... kenalah buat jugak.
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Hello,
You're very lucky to have a popular website. Most people do not have those kind of priveledges. You are a very talented writer, Anucia Elizabeth. life may feel bad now but can improve later on as long as you believe. I wish you good luck in the feuture. Just remember, dreams can become realiaty.
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