Singledom: A whole new world..
After six years, I'm single again.
Singleship. Singlity. Singledom. Whatever. I'd never thought I'd enter that domain.
Heck, everything was off a happily-ever-after-movie script. Or so I thought.
I had it all planned.
The beautiful wedding.. picked all my bridesmaidS ,notice the plural ( there were supposed to be 5 ), got their outfits tailored in my head (dark brown silk in 5 different designs for each girl), the theme colour (dark brown and beige), the church (OLL, Klang).
Basically, the details were already formed.
The four kids.
The cosy, quaint old-fashioned home, the labrador.
The role I was to assume as a devoted mother, perfect wife (or near-perfect,if you may), wonderful daughter-in-law (I'm out to set the record straight that mom-in-laws are NOT evil).
The evening family bondings over caya (that's Malayalam for tea) and Hup Seng crackers.
Going to church on weekends...
Playing chauffer to my angels...to ballet,barathanatyam,organ,tennis,swimming classes.
A lil far-fetched for a yet 22 year old,perhaps? Maybe....oh,well!
But it came crashing down. Actually, in all honesty, I drove the bulldozer into that castle of dreams...
Why did I throw it all away? I have my reasons that I won't delve into at the moment.
Suffice to say, things weren't working for me. I know you're supposed to work at it. I mean, didn't 6 years mean anything? Call me a slut, bitch, slitch,whatever..(yes,I got that thrown in my face), but it reached a point where I didnt wanna try anymore, it was too emotionally draining... and it was time to leave.
And leave I did.
While he's taking it like Devdas, I haven't thought of turning back. And that got me thinking, maybe I am what they say I am. Callous. Cold hearted. Whatever happened to sensitive me?Then there were those who said that I might as well if I wasn't happy. That it'll be unfair to him if I lingered when the flame's abviously out..
With that chapter closed, I entered this new territory with much uncertainty. Not knowing what to expect, who to call those lonely nights, who to share my thrills with, it was hard.It still is.
That could explain the increased frquency in my blogging sessions.
When people ask me if I am looking, I'd joke and say, hell yeah, why not?
But the truth is, I'm not 'looking'. I know who I am and what I want.
Despite of what people may say or think, I ain't no desperado, I ain't looking for a relationship just because all my good friends have somewhat already paired off, and I ain't looking for a rebound victim.
For one, I definitely don't plunge into things without thoroughly thinking it through. I can say that much with conviction. Close friends will also attest to that. And I'm grateful to God for giving me that gift.
So, if someone comes around next year, next month, or tomorrow for that matter and something happens, well, it happens...
There'll be no block,as long as the mind is clear and the intentions sincere I'll pursue it...whether this new person would want to or not is another thing..hahaha!
Of course there'll be those who judge and sneer. There'll be accusations and doubts.
The only thing I can do is find the strength in me to do what I need to do and forget about what the rest of the world may think...
Until then, I'm still the lead in my happily-ever-after movie, only the supporting actors have changed..
Singleship. Singlity. Singledom. Whatever. I'd never thought I'd enter that domain.
Heck, everything was off a happily-ever-after-movie script. Or so I thought.
I had it all planned.
The beautiful wedding.. picked all my bridesmaidS ,notice the plural ( there were supposed to be 5 ), got their outfits tailored in my head (dark brown silk in 5 different designs for each girl), the theme colour (dark brown and beige), the church (OLL, Klang).
Basically, the details were already formed.
The four kids.
The cosy, quaint old-fashioned home, the labrador.
The role I was to assume as a devoted mother, perfect wife (or near-perfect,if you may), wonderful daughter-in-law (I'm out to set the record straight that mom-in-laws are NOT evil).
The evening family bondings over caya (that's Malayalam for tea) and Hup Seng crackers.
Going to church on weekends...
Playing chauffer to my angels...to ballet,barathanatyam,organ,tennis,swimming classes.
A lil far-fetched for a yet 22 year old,perhaps? Maybe....oh,well!
But it came crashing down. Actually, in all honesty, I drove the bulldozer into that castle of dreams...
Why did I throw it all away? I have my reasons that I won't delve into at the moment.
Suffice to say, things weren't working for me. I know you're supposed to work at it. I mean, didn't 6 years mean anything? Call me a slut, bitch, slitch,whatever..(yes,I got that thrown in my face), but it reached a point where I didnt wanna try anymore, it was too emotionally draining... and it was time to leave.
And leave I did.
While he's taking it like Devdas, I haven't thought of turning back. And that got me thinking, maybe I am what they say I am. Callous. Cold hearted. Whatever happened to sensitive me?Then there were those who said that I might as well if I wasn't happy. That it'll be unfair to him if I lingered when the flame's abviously out..
With that chapter closed, I entered this new territory with much uncertainty. Not knowing what to expect, who to call those lonely nights, who to share my thrills with, it was hard.It still is.
That could explain the increased frquency in my blogging sessions.
When people ask me if I am looking, I'd joke and say, hell yeah, why not?
But the truth is, I'm not 'looking'. I know who I am and what I want.
Despite of what people may say or think, I ain't no desperado, I ain't looking for a relationship just because all my good friends have somewhat already paired off, and I ain't looking for a rebound victim.
For one, I definitely don't plunge into things without thoroughly thinking it through. I can say that much with conviction. Close friends will also attest to that. And I'm grateful to God for giving me that gift.
So, if someone comes around next year, next month, or tomorrow for that matter and something happens, well, it happens...
There'll be no block,as long as the mind is clear and the intentions sincere I'll pursue it...whether this new person would want to or not is another thing..hahaha!
Of course there'll be those who judge and sneer. There'll be accusations and doubts.
The only thing I can do is find the strength in me to do what I need to do and forget about what the rest of the world may think...
Until then, I'm still the lead in my happily-ever-after movie, only the supporting actors have changed..
5 Comments:
U've got the right attitude girl! And u know what people say, u can go anywhere if u've got the right attitude! I am sure u'll find excellent new supporting actors. Enjoy the audition! :)
hey babe..thats d way it should b ain no pt bein in a relationship if u ain happy...singlehood has its perks... ;)
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes its clear, sometimes its not. Maybe you needed to be alone. Maybe you needed to rediscover yourself. Maybe he's not the one for you. Maybe he IS the one for you. Maybe 10 yrs down the road, you may see yourself in his arms again in a whole new light.
I guess the point Im trying to make is, we never will know. Its up to us to trust our instincts and listen to your heart speaking.
In the mean time, keep your heart open to what life has to offer, and dont shut anyone off. Life is still one big story waiting to be told.
Nobody knows. All the best to you!
Anon 1:
Glad you think i have the 'right attitude'..not many do...
Anon 2:
Singlehood has its perks?I know where you're going..singles get to flirt,rite?
well, i don't flirt,i cant flirt, i feel stupid trying to flirt...guess it's just not my thing..
Anon 3:
Trusting your instincts is a big gamble...
Your heart's too rational when then sun rises,and too 'emo' when the sun sets...which speaks the truth,I don't know.
Nobody knows.
Telling yourself to seize the moment can get you into shit, and leaving you with overweight baggage of regrets.
But like you said, life is still a big story waiting to be told...hope i get to tell it well someday...
Wow! Do you always take the time to reply all comments? Since you do that, I'll reply you too.
You said trusting your instincts is a big gamble. Well yes, it is. But isnt that what its all about? Isnt it a gamble choosing your career path? Isnt it a gamble & your instincts that you trust, when a person gets into any relationship?
Your heart will know what it wants. Your heart doesnt lie, or speak the truth. It tells you what you need to feel good at that moment.
Aint asking you to seize the moment, but asking you to keep your options open.
And yes, life is a big story waiting to be told. Believe me girlfriend, you'll tell it so well someday. ;)
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