A Letter to God
Wonderful isn't it,the way music can play with your heart, your emotions, and leave you with an undescribeable feeling; a mixture of sadness, joy, pain and happiness..
Right now,I'm listening to an awesome song by Kenny Chesney called Me and You...Before this was Lionel Ritchie's Stuck on You...Oh that just ended, now it's Brad Paisley's We Danced.
Somehow, since of late I'm finding solance in non-mainstream songs and I can't seem to appreciate the lyrics and music aired on Hitz and Mix (there goes my clubbing days)..Maybe age is catching up, greater wisdom settling in, and I'm beginning to relate to my father's music. Yes, I'm playing Elvis and The Beatles too...
I was just telling Mai Yin yesterday, that unlike art or peotry, EVERYONE loves music, Whatever type aside. Isn't that beautiful? That everyone has at least one thing in common...
Anyway, I just spoke to my mum, cried to her actually.
After yesterday, I thought things were beginning to look a lil brighter.I saw a lovely smile. Wishful thinking.
I really screwed up my maths paper today. My first paper. And I've been crying since I put down my pen at 5.15 pm...I dont know how it happened.
I studied the most for this paper, had everything in my head. Or so I thought.
As i read the questions everything went into a blur, all the stat formulaes got jumbled up, and I didn't get what the question wanted.
It was weird actually, holding up for 3 hours,telling myself not to panic and then breaking down the second the invigilator said that time was up.
I wanted to just run out of the hall after everything was over, but some clown didn't tie up their extra answer booklet, so we had to stay on because the number of students and answer booklets didn't tally.
I knew this girl sitting at the back of me..she did me a couple of favours but i couldn't turn to face her for a conversation coz i was holding a dipper of tears that were threatening to fall..hope she didnt think i was an ungrateful idiot.
While they continued to count the booklets, i ran to the ladies, not able to contain myself. I locked myself in a cubicle and sobbed uncontrollably. Thank goodness when everyone left when i came back to the hall.
The walk back was an ardous one, what with my conscience taunting at the reality of it all.I wanted to sleep it off, yet all i could see in my head were the solutions to the very questions that have left me feeling this way.See, I knew how to do it!
Through the tears I wrote God a letter.
Dear God,
I've never felt so stupid in my life. I guess this is really hitting me because I knew the answers! What went wrong, God? I brought the Rosary to the exam hall, I said my prayers before the paper. I've been saying my prayers daily. Said the rosary yesterday.
Where were you?Where was the grace you were supposed to bless me with?The wisdom and the knowledge?
And Mary, how could you desert me when I needed you?Have I been asking for too much this past few months that you decided to put a stop to the requests?
What was too much?
Asking you to keep my family and friends safe from harm?
Needing you to keep him and the people that matter to him in your arms?
Wanting peace with myself?
Asking you to make me a better person?
Asking you to help me overcome my pride?
Have i been THAT bad, dear god?
That you choose to have such a thing happen to me at such a time? I guess if it didn't matter, I wouldn't be so harsh on myself.
But I'm a student, and isn't this what a student is supposed to do?Study? And bring home the grades? I
was this close to not having to pay my loan. Of not burdening my parents. Did you really see the necessity in giving me a mental block?
I can't even do what I'm supposed to do, how am I supposed to do what I want to do when prioroties obviously come first?
Why God, why?
Your Discouraged Daughter
He replied...
My Precious Child,
I don't know how to convince you that I was there. But I was there.
You may not see it now, but I trust you have the wisdom to know that after all the tears have been cried, you'd see the reason behind it all.
All good comes from me, and good comes to the good. You've been good my child, wipe your tears. You'll see the good on a sunny day, when all that clouds you now drifts away.
Remember you mother telling you just now, that it's just a paper?
Well girl, that was me. It is JUST a paper. People flunk it all the time, and there's always the option of repeating it,do don't be too hard on yourself. Worst things could have happened.
No, I havent disconnected the cables. Your prayers are always close to my heart.
Remember his mom got better?
Remember that the accident was minor?
Remember all those countless flights your parents and siblings took between here and Sarawak, my arms were always around their shoulders?
Remember that when you needed to talk, and you couldn't hear me, I was there through the people in your life?
Remember her dad got better?
Remember that every friend and every member of your family are substantially happy with their lives,however far away they are?
Remember that things are brighter for him?
See child, these are the things that matter. Things could have been worse.
But I know that you love me, and that you really do try your best to be more like me each day. I hear your gratitude when your paryers are answered.
And it's because of that I've tried to attend to your needs in ways I think best.
I just need you to not question me, to not let petty things get to you, to be kinder to yourself, to not derail your life from this track of immense faith you have in me.
Yes, you're a student. Yes, you're supposed to bring back the grades. But remember that under it all, you're only human. It's an overrated excuse, but I'm letting you use it this time.I
love you,girl and it pains me to see you sad.
But i promise you, that even now, as you're listening to this 'Heart of Worship' song and writing this letter, I'm behind you, my hands are gently rubbling your shoulders.
Tomorrow will be a better day, I promise. I appreciate that though there are so many bad and ugly things that are happening in this world today, you've proven my presence in many ways.I'll see you in your sleep. Smile...
Your Father,lovingly...
Right now,I'm listening to an awesome song by Kenny Chesney called Me and You...Before this was Lionel Ritchie's Stuck on You...Oh that just ended, now it's Brad Paisley's We Danced.
Somehow, since of late I'm finding solance in non-mainstream songs and I can't seem to appreciate the lyrics and music aired on Hitz and Mix (there goes my clubbing days)..Maybe age is catching up, greater wisdom settling in, and I'm beginning to relate to my father's music. Yes, I'm playing Elvis and The Beatles too...
I was just telling Mai Yin yesterday, that unlike art or peotry, EVERYONE loves music, Whatever type aside. Isn't that beautiful? That everyone has at least one thing in common...
Anyway, I just spoke to my mum, cried to her actually.
After yesterday, I thought things were beginning to look a lil brighter.I saw a lovely smile. Wishful thinking.
I really screwed up my maths paper today. My first paper. And I've been crying since I put down my pen at 5.15 pm...I dont know how it happened.
I studied the most for this paper, had everything in my head. Or so I thought.
As i read the questions everything went into a blur, all the stat formulaes got jumbled up, and I didn't get what the question wanted.
It was weird actually, holding up for 3 hours,telling myself not to panic and then breaking down the second the invigilator said that time was up.
I wanted to just run out of the hall after everything was over, but some clown didn't tie up their extra answer booklet, so we had to stay on because the number of students and answer booklets didn't tally.
I knew this girl sitting at the back of me..she did me a couple of favours but i couldn't turn to face her for a conversation coz i was holding a dipper of tears that were threatening to fall..hope she didnt think i was an ungrateful idiot.
While they continued to count the booklets, i ran to the ladies, not able to contain myself. I locked myself in a cubicle and sobbed uncontrollably. Thank goodness when everyone left when i came back to the hall.
The walk back was an ardous one, what with my conscience taunting at the reality of it all.I wanted to sleep it off, yet all i could see in my head were the solutions to the very questions that have left me feeling this way.See, I knew how to do it!
Through the tears I wrote God a letter.
Dear God,
I've never felt so stupid in my life. I guess this is really hitting me because I knew the answers! What went wrong, God? I brought the Rosary to the exam hall, I said my prayers before the paper. I've been saying my prayers daily. Said the rosary yesterday.
Where were you?Where was the grace you were supposed to bless me with?The wisdom and the knowledge?
And Mary, how could you desert me when I needed you?Have I been asking for too much this past few months that you decided to put a stop to the requests?
What was too much?
Asking you to keep my family and friends safe from harm?
Needing you to keep him and the people that matter to him in your arms?
Wanting peace with myself?
Asking you to make me a better person?
Asking you to help me overcome my pride?
Have i been THAT bad, dear god?
That you choose to have such a thing happen to me at such a time? I guess if it didn't matter, I wouldn't be so harsh on myself.
But I'm a student, and isn't this what a student is supposed to do?Study? And bring home the grades? I
was this close to not having to pay my loan. Of not burdening my parents. Did you really see the necessity in giving me a mental block?
I can't even do what I'm supposed to do, how am I supposed to do what I want to do when prioroties obviously come first?
Why God, why?
Your Discouraged Daughter
He replied...
My Precious Child,
I don't know how to convince you that I was there. But I was there.
You may not see it now, but I trust you have the wisdom to know that after all the tears have been cried, you'd see the reason behind it all.
All good comes from me, and good comes to the good. You've been good my child, wipe your tears. You'll see the good on a sunny day, when all that clouds you now drifts away.
Remember you mother telling you just now, that it's just a paper?
Well girl, that was me. It is JUST a paper. People flunk it all the time, and there's always the option of repeating it,do don't be too hard on yourself. Worst things could have happened.
No, I havent disconnected the cables. Your prayers are always close to my heart.
Remember his mom got better?
Remember that the accident was minor?
Remember all those countless flights your parents and siblings took between here and Sarawak, my arms were always around their shoulders?
Remember that when you needed to talk, and you couldn't hear me, I was there through the people in your life?
Remember her dad got better?
Remember that every friend and every member of your family are substantially happy with their lives,however far away they are?
Remember that things are brighter for him?
See child, these are the things that matter. Things could have been worse.
But I know that you love me, and that you really do try your best to be more like me each day. I hear your gratitude when your paryers are answered.
And it's because of that I've tried to attend to your needs in ways I think best.
I just need you to not question me, to not let petty things get to you, to be kinder to yourself, to not derail your life from this track of immense faith you have in me.
Yes, you're a student. Yes, you're supposed to bring back the grades. But remember that under it all, you're only human. It's an overrated excuse, but I'm letting you use it this time.I
love you,girl and it pains me to see you sad.
But i promise you, that even now, as you're listening to this 'Heart of Worship' song and writing this letter, I'm behind you, my hands are gently rubbling your shoulders.
Tomorrow will be a better day, I promise. I appreciate that though there are so many bad and ugly things that are happening in this world today, you've proven my presence in many ways.I'll see you in your sleep. Smile...
Your Father,lovingly...
7 Comments:
Well....I'm not the exactly the first choice of person to listen to when talking about God because well...I have a different relation with God. But from what I know about God and how God seems to act. Everything happens for a reason and everything works itself in the end given your faith in whatever cause you desire...not just your faith in God.
It's more like...your faith in God is tied to your faith in your own destiny and will.
Bad things may happen yes...but as long as the cause stays true, you'll get exactly what you put your heart and soul into...its just not that easy.
So have faith in yourself, wipe those tears and have faith in the fact that everything will work itself out in the end. That God would not forsake those who have not forsaken themselves. Those that stand up and say this is where I'm going and no one can stop me. Oh God can slow you down...but not even God can stop your will and passion to the end of the line.
Life is more than a Math paper. The most important thing is you did your best. And you did it with God in mind.
This too, shall pass and one day you will look back and laugh.
be strong.
even though it may be a big thing now, given time, it will be just small as a bread crumb.
sometimes bad stuffs seem to be tumbling down on us all at the same time, and we are overwhelmed, overpowered, but given time, we will have the wisdom to see it as a bigger collection of bread crumbs only.
bring up your hand, and give a clean sweep, and there they go.
you are clean again.
The is God within you
There is nothing more pompous than false humility. Many truth seekers and spiritual people are filled with it. We can find them saying:
“I am nothing, but the spirit of God moves through me, and if I do any good it is because of God’s spirit and not my own” or
“I have no ability of my own. Only the power of God has any ability”
Now, in those terms you ARE the power of God manifested. You are not powerLESS. To the contrary, through your being the power of God is strengthened, for YOU ARE a portion of what He is.
You are not simply an insignificant, innocuous clump of clay through which He decides to show himself.
You are He manifesting as you. You are as legitimate as He is. If you are a part of God then He is a part of you and denying your own worth you end up denying His as well.
True religion is not repressive, as life itself is not.
Hey Babe
Ive done the old prayer thingy at Uni, And believe me its not over till the results are out. Have you tried the "deal"
thing, like(for eg..) "If you let me just pass, thats all I want, I will go to church this Sunday" , it worked for me. I found a church up the road, It happened to be a catholic church. Omigod.. I wasnt quite ready for it...
I just moved my lips.
coma.. thats the worst piece of advice i've EVER heard. How can you take God for ransom like that?
Dear Anonymous
At that time I had not been to church for about 10 years
so its not technically a Ransom.It was a big step for me-going to church.
However your clearly well versed on the good book, and knows how god works... like a Pharasee I guess. So I will agree with you that its bad advice.
But Anu's a big girl and can work it out for herself.
Hi Anu... were not talking to you just about you.
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